Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

Academicus Laudibilis

We Austin's can trace our lineage back beyond Stephen Austin after whom Austin, Texas, was named. We go back to Ancient Rome and Emperor Augustine. Beyond that it gets a little hazy but there may have been an Austin involved in the early Druid movement. He was the guy who got paralyzed on mead and decided it would be a great idea to paint himself blue. Why is this such a marvelous event that it should be chronicled in your digital fishwrap. you query? Well, let's face it -- as a male Austin the kid was pretty much born behind the academic 8-ball. His is a heritage of boneheadery and weak, though usually passing, grades.

Personally, I was sent to a private institution for my senior year in high school. I had pretty much alienated the entire staff of the public high school I attended in the 60s. Much of my time was spent testing the boundaries of what behavior I could get away with and still stay in school. I was given a "D" in Latin in my sophomore year if I agreed not to speak to the teacher for the remainder of the semester and never to take Latin again. One way to "git 'er done," for sure.

Regina Mundi College was much more rigorous that the public school and they really weren't as tolerant of a wise-guy kid. I was threatened with expulsion at Christmas if I didn't straighten up and guess what, I finally got it. I worked my buns off and by April my marks were pretty darn good. Good enough in fact to receive "unconditional acceptance" at the University of Windsor in Windsor, Ontario.

Unconditional acceptance meant to me that, no matter what happened, they had to take me. I did no work at all until the end of the year. I failed most of the finals and did not graduate from high school. Still, my unconditional acceptance was my ticket to a university education.

After slobbing my way through university in a haze of beer and all-night cram sessions I graduated.

It looks like the Short Guy is going to break the mold and bring honor to the Austin name. It has been suggested, mostly by my in-laws, that I may not be the biological father of this sainted child. Evidence certainly suggests a more brain-ready sire however…the lad was conceived in Papua, New Guinea, where I was the only white man for miles. I had him checked out for latent albinism when he was born and the kid is mine, no doubt.

I must admit that I am humbled by the kid's brainpower. He can do long division in his head and knows what "symbiosis" is. Shorty will start university this autumn and I have no doubt that he will bring great honor upon the Austin escutcheon. If he screws it up I won't get mad -- he will have come by it honestly.