Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

Darth Vader vs Dudley Doright

You know what really stinks about this election? It's the fact that Darth Cheney, the guy I would least like to see in charge of this country, can trot out several valid reasons why the guy sitting next to him should not be in charge of this country.

Cheney squatted behind his desk like a giant poisonous toad and said that Kerry and Edwards were "for the war" then "against the war."He indicated that these two would say anything that they thought the majority of the country wanted to hear.

And he is so right.

These two effete, windsurfing, cable-knit sweater-wearing, limousine liberals are as phony as a Hallmark Card from Uday Hussein.

I just hate it that we have to choose between two oily incompetents and two reptiles of doom. You know that thing on Edward's lip? That's the nozzle where they fill him up with pureed partisan baloney every time the political winds change.

Who would you like to see in the White House over the next four years?

We have a choice between vicious, single-minded, warmongering neocons and Sonny and Cher, two happy faced doofuses (doofi?) who can't decide what socks to wear without conducting a poll.

Dudley Doright won the beauty contest on Tuesday night. (apart from the lip thing) His flashing smile and lantern-jaw was riveting to be sure. This guy is 51? He looks 31 without a doubt.

Cheney, on the other hand, looked like your high school principal about to show how he deals with those caught smoking pot in the boy's room.

Dudley's finest moment was at the point where Cheney attacked his record in the Senate. He implied, quite rightly, that Edwards' voting record showed a lack of support for the military. Edwards was ready with Cheney's voting record which was somewhere to the right of Herman Goering.

Edwards mentioned Cheney as being one of four Reps in Congress who was against banning plastic weapons that could be smuggled pass metal detectors at the airport and also voted to do away with the "Headstart" program. Cheney gulped a bit like he'd swallowed a blowfly and looked sorry he had brought the matter up.

Cheney had a big moment when he commented on Edward's attendance record in the Senate. Cheney, as titular head of the Senate, said that until this very evening he had never even met Edwards. Did he ever show up to vote?

A few drops of moisture popped through the pancake on Eddie's forehead but like a good trial lawyer his courtroom-trained sweat glands sucked them back in and he launched a feral smile back to his opponent.

Edwards took a big chance by bringing up Cheney's gay daughter. In reality, of course, he was pointing out the rift between Cheney and the rest of the Republican administration. His faux concern for his opponent's dilemma was as phony as a three-dollar bill.

Cheney thanked him. He sure didn't look grateful though. It was very slimy and so stereotypically lawyer-esque to bring up the other guy's family.

This election will come down to the wire barring any October surprise. If the Secret Service finds Osama Bin Laden hiding in Kerry's cabana house the election could be a landslide. Otherwise it's going to be close.

This could so easily have been a slam dunk for the Democrats. All of the moderate voters in 2000 who took Bush at his word as a "uniter, not a divider" should be in Kerry's pocket, as should those who thought Gore was tainted with the galloping libido of Clinton.

Most Nader voters (like me) should realize what dumb asses they were and will ignore Ralph's current weird megalomaniac journey.

So why is this even close?

It's because the Democratic Party has no vision, no guts, no plan, and no appeal to anyone. If they win it's because everyone without a case of tunnel vision and rabies will vote against Bush.

What to do?

Hold your nose and vote the Kerry-Edwards ticket.