Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

No Souper Bowl for you!

The New England Patriots, my boys, my new favorite team of all time has turned the odds makers of "Lost Wages" Nevada on their collective ears. No way were these no-names with an upstart quarterback named Brady ever going to make the playoffs. Hah! Let us review:

It was a dark and snowy day that day, my friends, when a swaggering crew of knuckle-dragging criminals known as the Oakland Raiders came to Foxboro. Their handlers, a cadre of former East German pharmacists, had them rage-peaking as they quaffed foamy steins of anabolic steroids just before game time.

Lantern-jawed New England skipper Bill Belichick knew the task before him and his players was a daunting one. How could his cleated lads with cheeks of tan ever hope to compete with the Oakland fiend-machine and "Chuckie," their diabolical coach?

Providentially, the skies opened and a maelstrom of pure white snow swept over Foxboro's greensward dazzling the Oakland Raiders, whose waking hours are usually spent in darkened drug dens and damp weight rooms. Not since the parting of the Red Sea…

OK, OK I got a little dramatic but it was a helluva game wasn't it?

The upshot is, of course, that our favorite sons went on to face the Pittsburgh Steelers. Did you notice that even though Pittsburgh never led, the announcers kept touting their skills and warning the "fortunate" New Englanders that Cordell and the Bus were about to break out of the doldrums any minute?

They kept hyping the Pittsburghers until time ran out and they had to play catch-up with their accolades to New England. When did New England develop such an awesome defense? They were constantly in the backfield with Cordell and Jerome while the Bus was trying desperately to save his reputation and the Steelers.

I think he gained about four yards rushing all day.

The announcing team kept blabbing about Cordell Stewart's newfound maturity until the game was over and Cordie was mature enough for a condo at "Seizure World" in St. Petersburg. The Pat defense got so good so fast that they don't even have a cool nickname like "doomsday defense" or the "Purple People Eaters".

The Pat offense isn't exactly salted with household names either. Brady? Who's Brady? Some kid who was drafted 199th, that's who. And Troy Brown? He was drafted 198th.

The only guy on the team that anyone has heard of is Drew Bledsoe. He was drafted first and rode the pine for most of the season. Drew (his friends call him Drew) entered the Pittsburgh game with a popularity rating on par with head lice and left the game a fair-haired winner. Who says we're fickle?

Now, as to the little problem of the Rams, here is what we are facing.

The No. 1 defense in the NFC, for a start. They play a zone, they are fast, and they are solid. My new best friend Brady will pick them apart by throwing short passes into seams and screen passes when they blitz.

See, isn't that easy?

On offense the "Sheep" have this grocery boy named Warner who is supposed to be a big-deal passing whiz. Too bad he has rib injuries and will have to rely on the running game with his buddy Marshall Faulk.

Doesn't that remind you of Cordell and Jerome? Wasn't the "Bus" put up on blocks and drained of oil by the Pat's defense? You betcha your Kurt Warner bobble-head doll they did. Enjoy the moment, Ram-bos, 'cause like the Soup Nazi says: "No Souper Bowl For You!"

You may bet the farm on New England -- don't even bother taking the points, they will win outright. You have Austin's guarantee.