Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

You say you want a resolution?

OK, another year and another list of resolutions.

In 2004, tonnage is once again an issue. I am no longer going to try and lose weight in order to regain my ability to drive a roomful of women mad with desire. I have concluded that such a resolution would be difficult if not unlikely to bring to fruition.

I just want to get fit so I can live longer. This is much more likely to be successful and has the added benefit of aggravating all the Republicans within eyeshot of this column.

In aid of this I resolve once again to reduce the circumnavigation distance around the old waistline. The abdominal equator currently has two time zones. Dunkin' Donuts will henceforth be regarded as a house of ill repute.

I resolve to begin weight training so I can start the South Beach Diet. Currently I am not strong enough to rip the wrapper off the string cheese that is a staple of said diet.

I resolve to say one nice thing about Republicans in every column (to be found on the last line).

I resolve to continue my boycott of Nascar. Are you aware that there is a driver named Dick Trickle? I rest my case.

I resolve to start batting practice early this year so I am not benched and humiliated by the manager of the Putney Fossils.

I resolve to read more P.G. Wodehouse. Mr. Wodehouse is the literary equivalent of a dose of Prozac. Who but Pelham Grenville would say: "Jeeves shimmered into the foyer and by way of introduction, massaged the outstretched flipper of Augustus Fink-Nottle."

I resolve to drink only single malt whisky. It is too expensive to guzzle, thereby reducing hangover time and of course calories. Apologies to the makers of John Begg Blue Cap blended scotch (12 bucks a bottle). Sell your stock now.

Now that my life is in order I feel generous enough to lend a pint or so of my creative juices to others so that they might improve their lives. No need to thank me.

For George W. Bush: Resolve to listen more to your dog Barney and less to your advisors as regards foreign policy. No dumb animal could ever have destroyed our relations with our allies more than they have. P.S. Wolfowitz does not count as a dog.

For former Presidential Candidate Pat Buchanan: Resolve to stop telling people that your father died at Auschwitz. Falling out of a guard tower doesn't count.

For Martha Stewart: Resolve to make a real effort to look good in stripes.

For Saddam Hussein: Resolve never to taunt another super power and to build an adjoining room on the spider-hole for your stylist.

For Michael Jackson: Resolve to have major plastic surgery before your prison sentence so as to resemble Mike Tyson.

For Donald Trump: Resolve to make 2004 the year you admit that no amount of money can buy a good-looking skull rug.

For Howard Dean: Resolve to never mention Confederate Flag in any speech again, ever.

For Kate Casa: Resolve to check and double check all letters to the Letterbox. Also put a little more varnish on the truth so the conservatives won't have mass seizures.

For the New England Patriots: Resolve to make Barry Sanders an offer before the playoffs begin to beef up the running game.

As promised: Isn't a Re-Publican just a retired bartender who decided to go back to work? OK, not nice exactly but it's a start.