Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

Contumelious Bastard

I'm sorry, but the Iowa primary has got to wait. I have to talk about a moral degenerate who isn't fit to scrub toilets in a Calcutta whorehouse.

No, I'm not talking about George W. Bush. I speak loathingly of Roger Clemens who has slimed from the New York Yankees to Houston and will begin next year's baseball season with the Ass-tros!

This slithery mucus-blob hocked up from Satan himself has once again tainted the very atmosphere of earth by his exploitive and frankly contumelious behavior. The swine has deserted more teams than Rush Limbaugh has oxycontin prescriptions.

Last season we had the grand tour of his final year. Our memories were of course flyblown and riddled with mental lapses concerning his past ship jumping. We forgot how he gobbed a major loogie on the hearts of Blue Jay fans when he slunk off into the night then popped up like a festering carbuncle in Beantown, there to collect more bags of the filthy lucre that he craves so much.

It wasn't long before he figured out how he could repeat his craven misbehavior plus snarfle a busload of lovely parting gifts too. He just had to stifle his snickering long enough to announce his, (sniff), retirement and presto, a new Hummer full of loot from the suckers in Yankee-town. The little rubber thingies weren't even worn off the tires before he was feeding at the money trough in Astro town.

It's like buying your fiancée a new Dodge Neon and watching while she drives it over to the Hell's Angels clubhouse to pull a train. Those gift-givers must feel pretty much like Othello right now, only not guilty and not having the satisfaction of murdering Desdemona. Actually. that was a really bad allusion so just ignore it.

In the meantime we are all grabbing up our torches and pitchforks and storming the palace of Bud Selig, screaming at him to bar Pete "Charlie Hustler" Rose from the Hall of Fame.

If he is being given the bum's rush for conduct deleterious to baseball, then what the hell should he do to Clemens? His actions are far more deleteriouser. He's beyond deleterious he's deletaurius.

We can't follow baseball teams anymore because these one-trick money-ponies run from one team to another without the slightest shred of loyalty to their teams.

Why should I have "Blue Jays" tattooed on my chest when the Yankee I hated beyond the lowest demon in hell could just as easily show up in the starting rotation next year and the guy I worshipped could go free agent on me and sign up with the Orioles. Yes, Joe Carter, I'm talking about you. About the only saving grace in this sordid affair is that it is happening to the Yankees. They also lost Andy "Unibrow" Pettite as well. To the Astros again.

I hope the interleague games include a Yankees vs Astros showdown next year with Roger Ramjet on the mound. They should have it on "Hard Liquor and Handgun Day" at Yankee Stadium. Steinbrenner must have thought because he owned the Yankees that players would make sacrifices for the privilege of capering about the hallowed base paths and breathing the same locker room foot odor as had Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig.

Well, today's player doesn't consider himself to be "the luckiest man on earth" unless he has the keys to the vault, the Hummer, and a multi-year no-cut contract with a big old weasel hole in it to exercise more lucrative options should they arise.

Basically, I hate the players and I hate the owners, I hate the networks that won't show a World Series game in daylight. Too bad baseball is played by "dem bums" and owned by "dem udder bums." Plus it's January and I have to wait another 3 1/2 months for opening day.