Jim Austin

His previous columns are archived HERE.

JIM AUSTIN

The tie that binds

One of my last unmarried friends is fixing to snap on the cuffs. He's a mature kind of guy, but a bachelor taking the plunge is bound to be naïve where women are concerned.

This particular sacrificial lamb was actually planning to get involved in the wedding plans. Fortunately, I was able to intervene before fatal mistakes were made.

I explained to him that the wedding is for the bride. He should absolutely stay out of all the arrangements. Anything she says goes. If she wants the wedding party to wear plaid tuxedos -- just do it. The only thing the groom should insist on is hard liquor at the reception.

I have to admit that I'm feeling a little guilty about the wedding gift that Ruth picked out for the happy couple. A set of ten Jello molds in the shape of our most prestigious vice-presidents is a snazzy gift to be sure, but only the bride will appreciate it.

I decided that this guy should get a special gift from me. It is a little known fact that I have been shackled in blissful wedlock to the same broad for 25 years.

During that quarter century I have parceled together ten keys to which I attribute the pit bull-esque tenacity of our vows. It is with reverence then that I bequeath to him a gift that will weld him to his mate like a juicy spitball on the blackboard of life.

Austin's Ten Keys to a Successful Marriage

• Don't ever mention old girlfriends. Make up any lie to avoid this. I told Ruth I used to be a woman and had the operation two days before we met.
• Never show any competence in washing clothes, cooking, or cleaning. Be quick to offer but screw things up beyond repair. One red sock in the whites load and you're golden for life.
• Do offer something. Home repairs, garbage take-out and lawn care are good. Your jobs should either be something you enjoy or something that's over with fast. Always, whatever it is, indicate that you hate it.
• You will soon, if you haven't already, be asked this question: "Do these jeans (shorts, pants) make me look fat?" Do not hesitate; the answer is always "No, Dear.". Even if you can't get both arms around one thigh, the answer is "No, Dear. "
• Have your spouse's birthday and your wedding anniversary dates tattooed on the inside of your eyelids. If you forget either of these you might as well call the lawyer.
• About every two or three years bring her flowers for no reason at all. Only flowers though, she has to be sure it's not something you might enjoy. A dozen golf balls, for example, is just stupid. The dumpster behind the funeral home is a great source for mums.
• As much as she might deserve to be smacked in the mouth, don't ever do it. It takes four years of groveling to obtain forgiveness. (Only two years if she smacks you back twice as hard). I only broke this rule once. It was a rough two years.
• Encourage her to garden, play bridge or get involved in a mahjong club. Never under any circumstances get her involved in golf or fishing. These two sports are your only hope for me time. Be sure that she knows up front that you take one golf or fishing trip with the boys once per year. Don't ever miss it. Even if you have to go by yourself.
• In-laws are a curse to be avoided at all costs. I moved to another country to get away from mine. Never attempt to befriend one of them. When in their presence just sit sullenly facing a wall and get really drunk. Much like you will probably do on your wedding day.

They are soft, sexy, and compliant at times but without warning can turn on you like a deranged iguana. I think this is what is meant by the feminine mystique.