TIM BELFORD

Free, at last

As Shakespeare said,"What's in a name?"

The answer, no offense to the Immortal Bard, is simple - everything.

Do you really think Winston Spencer Churchill could have been anything else but, in his own words, an "important man" with that moniker?

What about Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Do you actually think he would have settled for less once he was old enough to spell and stick his name into the appropriate spot on the family tree?

I was reminded of the importance of having the proper tag and how it affects us the other day.

I came upon the research of an archive assistant for the Cornwall, England, county records office.

Her name, I think she's a she - there's that appellation thing again - is Rene Jackman.

During her research she came upon the startling fact that there was actually an Horatio Hornblower. Not C.S.Forster's fictional sailor however, but a real flesh and blood Cornishman.

Not only that but Hornblower's siblings were named Azubia, Constantia, Jecoliah, Jedidah, Jerusha, and Erastus.

And I'm willing to bet that what their parents saddled them with played an important part in how they turned out.

Now, I can't prove this but from my own experience it's more than likely being saddled with a name like Jecoliah Hornblower, just like the boy named Sue, probably toughened him up, or her, early on.

I can still remember coming across a clerk in a Barkley's Bank in Britain with a Dickensonian air about him and a name plate that identified him as P.M. Drudge.

Could Afternoon Drudge have avoided ending up behind a wire cage accounting for other people's cash? I think not.

I once actually knew a girl named Romanoff who, from an early age, became known as Noodles.

Noodles Romanoff. Today she's probably a celebrity chef.

Anyway, Ms. Jackman's research also produced a whole slew of other interesting handles.

They included Philadelphia Bunnyface, Edward Evil, Charity Chilly, Obedience Ginger and my favorite, Gentle Fudge.

What do you want to bet the latter ended up with a remarkable career working for Cadbury's?

And if your parents didn't manage to laden you with a name you'd rather forget, there's always marriage.

Ms. Jackman's also uncovered records of the marriages of Charles Swine and Jane Ham, John Mutton and Ann Veale, and Richard Dinner and Mary Cook.

The best of the bunch though was Nicholas Bone who in 1636 married one Priscilla Skin. Let's face it, the wedding of Skin and Bone must have been a big hit in the village.

And if you think this is just a seventeenth century sort of thing forget it.

One of my college friends whose last name was "Bott" became "Free" with a quick trip to the altar.

I wasn't there but I wouldn't have put it past her to have announced, as the ring was slipped onto her finger, "Free at last, Free at last, thank God Almighty I'm Free at last!"