TIM BELFORD

No Bloke Queen at our Birthday Party

That's it! Stop the music! There will be no queen at this party!

That's right. Elizabeth 2nd, by the Grace of God, Queen of Great Britain, Northern Ireland, and several other bits and pieces scattered around the globe, is not welcome at Quebec's 400th birthday bash.

Michael Jean's boss is monarch non-grata.

Apparently, the Quebec chapter of the Corgi Liberation Movement doesn't want any reminder of our colonial past at the party unless, of course, it's a reminder of our French colonial past.

But is it really fair?

If it hadn't been for Liz's great-great-great-great-great grandfather there wouldn't be a French fact in North America.

It was George the Third's government that decided Quebecers could keep their language, their religion, and the Napoleonic Code . . . a decidedly un-18th century decision.

If Britain had treated Quebec the same way England treated Scotland, French in North America would be about as common as Gaelic in London.

All I'm trying to say here is that maybe it's time we let bygones be bygones and put aside that nasty bit on the Plains of Abraham and party like it's 2008, not 1758.

Let's face it, if we start barring people from the guest list on the basis of historical slights we'll have just enough people at the bash for a good hand of bridge.

Right off the bat there are the auctotones, the first nations.

I presume they'll be invited. After all they were the original hosts when Sam Champlain, like the Man Who Came to Dinner, dropped in and stayed.

There'd be no end of hand wringing if the indigenous population decided to take to the streets in protest. It would be considered downright rude.

Then there are the Americans.

Using the "George the Third's descendents aren't welcome rule," we wouldn't want an official delegation from les Etats Unis.

Who can forget David Kirke and his two brothers. They sailed up from New England in 1628 and not only sacked Tadoussac, but intercepted the groceries sent from France.

Quebecers had to live on fish, roots, and acorns until the spring of 1629.

Throughout the 1700s the Americans carried out a running battle with the French, forcing them to give up outposts that are now Detroit, Pittsburg, and Burlington, Vermont -- among others.

Then there are the Germans. They had the gall to send U-boats right up the St. Lawrence in 1942 and it wasn't for the Matane shrimp.

They'd have to be snubbed.

Closer to home, tell Stephen Harper to spend his summer in Banff. After all, it was the Conservatives that hanged Riel, bought in conscription, and asked John Diefenbaker to speak French.

The federal Liberals can't be invited. They'd probably want to bring little Canadian flags and pay for lunch with unmarked bills in a brown paper envelope.

And what about representatives from the Mother Country?

In all good conscience could we invite France to take part?

After all, it was the French government that sent most of the province's ancestors here in the first place. Unfortunately they forgot to mention hostile natives, the standard eight feet of snow, a growing season of about twelve hours, and the major crop which was rocks.

They could have used the old joke that Quebec has ten months of winter and two months of bad roads but there weren't any roads.

Nope, if we start weeding out everyone who's done us wrong throughout the last 400 years, it's going to be a very small party.

So I say bring on the Queen and Prince Phillip. What's the alternative? Tony Blair?