TIM BELFORD

On hold

Old Timothy Eaton made a fortune out of a simple formula.

"Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back."

This was in a time when the customer was actually always right. It's hard to understand that concept now.

There's probably no single term more over-used in today's day and age than "customer service."

It ranks right up there with "business ethics" and "jumbo shrimp" in the pantheon of oxymorons.

Retailers do understand the term "customer."

That's the poor sod who hands over his cash and dummies up.

It's the "service" concept that seems to elude them.

Recently I had to call my local cable company.

Now, I won't bore you with the details of actually getting to the "customer service" department by phone.

Suffice it to say, if you want to hear more, press two now. Get the hint?

Anyway, a lovely young lady with dulcet tones announced, "all our agents are occupied at this time, please hold."

So I held…and held…and held.

About two minutes later the disembodied voice was back.

"all our agents are occupied at this time. Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line to ensure your calling priority."

Now there are two things wrong here:

Firstly, if my call is so important why don't they have enough agents to answer it?

Secondly, I got the feeling my calling priority was 989 on a list of 990.

So I waited.

Two minutes later my call was still important and I was still maintaining my priority.

As a matter of fact, fifteen minutes later my call was still important and I was maintaining my priority if nothing else.

By the time twenty minutes had elapsed the dulcet tones had begun to grate.

I found my self dreaming about becoming the Hannibal Lector of automated phone systems.

At thirty minutes my vision began to blur and my palms began to sweat. But I doggedly maintained my priority.

Now, I'd like to say this story has a happy ending but it doesn't

I did come away with my priority intact. But my complaint remained unresolved.

Mind you, my bill arrived in time. They always seem to have enough agents for that.