TIM BELFORD

Teddy, Teddy, who gets a Teddy?

I got my T-4 slips the other day and as usual I was left wondering where all the money went.

It seems no matter what happens with the economy or my union's attempts to enrich us working folk, the one constant is the whacking great share of my sweat and tears that the government takes.

Now, I appreciate all those things that they return in the way of services.

Lord knows I like health care and good roads. I'm happy with the education our kids are getting. I don't even begrudge the EI doled out to those in need.

But where I draw the line is the niggling little things the Ottawa and Quebec City gnomes do with my spare change.

My mum used to always say if you look after the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves.

The problem is the people who take in the money don't look after the pennies.

They don't look after the dollars, either. As a matter of fact, if the Gomery inquiry is right, they don't do a very good job of looking after the millions.

Which brings me to the 7th Annual Teddies Waste Awards.

The awards are given out each year by the Canadian Taxpayers Federation in honour of Ted Weatherill.

Teddy was a senior swivel servant who was apparently terminated for "expenses incurred by him . . . incompatible with his position as chairman of the Canada Labour Relations Board."

Unfortunately, it didn't deter some of his successors.

Let me elucidate…

One of the winners of a Teddy this year was Lucie McClung. She's the Commissioner of the Correctional Services of Canada.

Between 2001 and 2003 she managed to rack up $142,000 travelling to Hong Kong, Barbados, Brazil, and New Zealand, among other places.

I'm sure we can learn a lot about prison care from Brazil but along the way she also managed to eat $9000 worth of lunches.

Her best effort, however, was okaying a day at the spa for a group of female prisoners who enjoyed pedicures, aromatherapy, and afternoon tea.

This fun group included at least one knife-wielding cop killer, a women who tortured her stepson before killing him, and a dozen or so other rehabilitation candidates.

Another one of my favorite winners is the Department of National Defense.

No wonder the Armed Forces are short of equipment.

One of DND's employees was sued for walking off with $100 million bucks.

It seems while nobody was watching he used phony invoices to saunter off with the cash equivalent of a fully armed regiment of infantry.

I guess nobody thought it strange that a man who made $58,000 a year also had a million dollar Ottawa home, a $2 million beachfront condo in the Turks and Caicos, and a third home in Florida -- conveniently located on a golf course.

As if he had time to play golf when he wasn't looting the military.

My favorite though has to be the Teddy Lifetime Achievement Award that went to André Ouellet.

He'll probably be remembered best as the head of Canada Post.

During his eight years as the country's top mail man he managed to run up $2 million in expenses without - according to the Canadian Taxpayers Federation, - producing so much as a taxi chit or an invalidated parking slip.

When asked how this was possible, Ouelette said he used the "honour system." he simply told the accountants what to pay him and they shoveled it across his desk.

No receipts. No list of expenditures. Nada.

The mail may not always get through but his $1000 a day expense account did.

And in case you were wondering, the awards aren't limited to the Feds. The provinces get their fair share, as well as the municipalities.

So, the next time you hit a pothole that cracks your partial plate think of Jeff Alexander.

He was the Secretary-Treasurer of the Davidson school division in Saskatchewan.

He picked up a $120,00 severance package when he resigned. Then he signed a one year personal service contract the next day at his same salary and started collecting a pension all at the same time -- thus inventing triple dipping.

And you'd better believe there's a Quebec equivalent out there somewhere.