TIM BELFORD

Philpott who?

Telephone etiquette has been around ever since Alexander Braham Bell dialed his first wrong number.

Legend has it that when the proper way to answer an incoming call was discussed, Bell suggested the appropriate greeting should be "Ahoy!"

It didn't take, thank goodness.

Later, when the system spread across the nation, operators were involved.

I can remember as a child my mother making calls and politely asking to be connected with a particular number. Actually, the town was so small local calls could be made by just mentioning the name of the person you wanted to reach.

Then along came direct dialing, touch-tone phones, answering machines, call waiting, and voice mail.

Unfortunately, etiquette and procedure fell by the wayside.

I mention this because I have to deal with voice mail everyday. And I have to say, somebody should teach a course in leaving a message.

The other day I received a call. To avoid any embarrassment, I won't use the real name here.

Let's just say the caller in question announced their name as something that sounded very much like "Philpott Withaspoon."

Immediately, alarms went off.

In a stretch "Philpott" might actually be a cruel joke from an uncaring parent.

But "Withaspoon" didn't sound right.

After listening to the message six more times it turned out the caller was actually Phillip Witherspoon.

Then came the number.

Now, we're used to hearing numbers in a particular cadence - three, three, and four.

As in 418 691-3612.

This caller threw me off by giving his number as 4 186 91 361 2.

He also gave it at the same speed the Concorde crosses the Atlantic. So it came out: four, oneeightsix, nineone, threesixone, two.

Five minutes later and about sixteen replays, I finally figured it out.

The problem is, I had six other messages.

Two from people who didn't leave their name, one who left a number with only six digits. One who must have been a relation of "Philpott Withaspoon," one speed talker and one -- God bless her -- who spoke clearly, left a complete number, and told me when she could be reached.

I called her back.