TIM BELFORD

The All-new Fall 2005 TV Season

I see the new television season has started.

Well, all I can say is don't hold your breath.

It's amazing in the wonderful world of five hundred channels how little there is to watch.

I won't even discuss what's new this year, "Nothing under the sun" and all that.

Just a look at what's coming back should be sufficient.

For the autopsy set we've got "CSI: Miami" where Horatio is going to be bemoaning his lost love for his sister-in-law.

Then there's "CSI: NY" where Mac is dealing with his lingering grief over a lost wife.

And "CSI" itself where Grissom is usually pondering the loss of a particular species of bug.

This is not to mention "NCIS" where Gibbs has gone through three wives and doesn't bemoan the loss of any of them.

It's a wonder the lead characters have any time at all for the endless disection, resection, and vivisection that goes on.

Then there's the 'non-crime' medical programs: "House" with its nasty but caring chief diagnostician, "ER" with the loving and caring emergency crew and "Gray's Anatomy" with the complicated but caring staff.

And if that's not enough surgical expertise for one week there's "Nip/Tuck" where nobody's loving or caring.

And, once again, the reality shows will dominate things.

You can swap wives, become the next top model, get a gay guy to make your life over, watch a crew tear somebody's kitchen apart, get thrown off an island, or make a fool of your girlfriend while racing around the world.

If you don't like the so-called reality TV or watching a close-up of the path a forty-five calibre slug makes through someone's liver, you can always opt for the law.

There's "Boston Legal" where Captain Kirk meets Perry Mason, "This Is Wonderland", or any one of "Law and Order", "Law and Order Criminal Intent" or Law and Order SVU" - not to be confused with "Law and Order SUV" which deals with lawyers driving off-road vehicles and comes out next season.

Then there's the male schlub shows.

The premise here apparently, is that all men are still sexist and dumb but loving and caring at heart.

This category includes "The King of Queens" with Doug, "The Bernie Mac Show" with Bernie, "Joey" with - you guessed it - Joey, "According to Jim" strangely enough featuring Jim, "Rodney" about a character named Rodney and "Still Standing" with Brian.

There are even animated schlubs. "The Simpsons", "American Dad" and "Family Guy."

If you're as baffled by all of this as I am there's always "Missingm" "Without a trace" or "Lost."

Which is maybe what the network programmers should do, -- get lost.