TIM BELFORD

10 Do Nots for Male Lovers on V-Day

It's always struck me as fitting that St. Valentine's day celebrates a martyr.

As a matter of fact it celebrates three martyrs all with the moniker "Valentine."

One was a priest in Rome, the second an Italian bishop, and the third a little-known Christian who met his demise in Africa.

But back to the martyr thing.

For a festival that has come to signify and glorify love there's probably nothing in this world that has caused more heartbreak and suffering.

From the moment in elementary school when we don't get a card from that someone special, to the first time someone we care for sends us packing, it's endless pain.

Oh sure, if we're lucky, we eventually meet Mr. or Ms. Right. But along the way, for every Prince or Princess Charming, there's a whole lot of frogs.

The big love stories were all flops.

Tristan met Isolde and both ended up dead. Romeo loved Juliet and what happened there?

Eloise had Abelard - at least until Eloise's brothers made sure there was a little less Abelard to be had and he ended up in a monastery.

And usually, by the way, it's the guy's fault that things don't work out.

Remember, it was Rick who gave up Ilsa in Casablanca.

Anyway, having been there and seen that, I'm going to offer up some advice based on personal experience. So gather 'round, guys.

Ten things not to do on Valentine's Day

• Don't wait until the last moment to buy the roses. Florists run out and there will be a line-up of other losers who did the same thing.
• Don't substitute lilies. As she'll be happy to tell you, they're for funerals.
• Pay attention. Women are subtle. They will only actually tell you what they wanted on February 15.
• Don't go for a beer with the guys before picking her up.
• If you ignore Number Four, definitely don't phone from the pub to tell her you're running late.
• If you can cook, do so. If you can't don't. Emeril Lagasse looks good in white but most women would rather have Pierce Brosnan in a tux with a waiter serving the wine.
• Whatever you do, don't say you would rather stay home because you prefer her cooking. You may think it's a compliment. She'll think it's just another Tuesday.
• Don't think she'll appreciate that you're a modern-day feminist when you offer to split the cheque.
• Spend more than fifteen minutes at Zellers picking out a gift.
• And if you've been together more than five years, don't wine her, dine her, and keep her up dancing until two and expect a little romance afterwards. But I bet you knew that already.

A word or two to the wise should be sufficient. But I'll bet it won't be.