Greg Duncan

His previous columns are archived HERE.

GREG DUNCAN

The loneliness of old kitchen tools

I'm living in a kitchen gadget nightmare and I've got enough tools and appliances to run a commercial kitchen. Here's the thing…

My kitchen is of average size at best and its cupboards were designed in an era when, if you wanted to cook something fancy for friends, you pulled out a fondue pot.

In those days, good china remained in the china cabinet and good sterling remained in its box until Christmas or it needed a polish. We ate on Corning Ware and we were happy.

Evolution being what it is now sees the average amateur gourmet with tools that cost a fortune or are downright ridiculous.

On the high end, you must have any and all things that Kitchen Aid, Cuisinart, or Krups manufacture.

On the low end, you must have an olive pitter, a shrimp deviener, and corn cob holders. Toss in a mini milk frother for good measure.

Speaking of measures, they now must be of the stainless steel caliber. After all, they must match all the other stainless steel items you have purchased so trendily.

Knives… don't get me started about knives. I have all the good ones and I feel sorry for my abandoned Henckels in the drawer that were put aside for others that cost as much as a good used automobile.

Anyone who knows knives knows that Henckels are at the pinnacle of kitchen swordsmanship. But, any worthy food knight deserves a new set of daggers now and again, no?

A seven hundred watt microwave was abandoned for a shiny 1l00 watt stainless professional model that blows a power breaker daily. I can now pop popcorn at warp speed but use the thing for little else.

You may notice that there is a glut of abandoned hot air corn poppers at yard sales across the land. I don't want to buy yours as I've still got mine, thank you very much.

And what about discarded bread makers, pasta makers, and food choppers? Do they go up to used- appliance heaven, perhaps? Do angels such as Julia Child put them to good use I wonder?

The fact is, I suspect that most reside in a dank and damp basement hell. It's no fun being an appliance I tell you.

We could blame television and food shows for our abandonment of perfectly good kitchen appliances, I guess. Marketing has a way of doing that. What kind of home cook needs an eight burner- double- oven gas stove with a wok insert?

I do, that's who.

Domestic divas Martha, Christine, and Nigella along with culinary knights, Emeril, Jamie, and the Surreal Gourmet should be held accountable for overspending.

I now covet a traveling Airstream trailer kitchen shaped like a toaster and an accompanying list of celebrity guests on my own food show. What happened?

I want one of those renovation television shows to come over and build me a stainless steel dream kitchen so I can accommodate all my new gadgets. While they are at it, it would be nice if they could build a second kitchen- for all my previous appliances. They are very, very lonely indeed.