AYLMER, QUEBEC | So, Santa, you got some practical but boring stuff this year? I was mildly dissed recently at a family get-together for the practicality of my gifts. Last Christmas I gave every household in our blended family a flashlight, those new rechargeable one million candlepower dynamos. TheyÕre not bulky, are easily rechargeable, and give a tremendous light. They could also cause blindness.

I thought they were great -- and new -- and everyone seemed sufficiently impressed with the massive candlepower by clinking their lights on and off a few times, shining the spotlight over the ceiling, or at one spot on a far wall. I thought they were a hit; I did, by the way, give other gifts.

Well, they werenÕt a hit, at least in one household. She may have a point, one I should have considered. With her small children about, a light this powerful is almost a lethal weapon. But that wasnÕt the complaint. It wasnÕt the gift, it was the type of gift.

This puzzled me further, since I had been trying to get away from the usual type of gift, one that may look charming enough, but only decorative. Or it could have been bath salts. Every family needs bath salts. At least twenty-five pounds of it, judging from everyoneÕs bath rooms.

Or how about scented candles? Another shortage in homes across the nation, especially vanilla. Or the marvelous little stained-glass-like sun catchers to hang on the window, held by a plastic suction cup which holds for about three minutes, or a coffee cup, or pair of mittens, or whatever.

WhatÕs wrong with practicality? Boring, is the most common answer I hear. HereÕs the conversation:

"Great, well, whatÕs wrong with a little boring?

You would say that. Only you. ItÕs too you, thatÕs the problem.

Problem? Listen, I donÕt mean I like boring, but I can put up with a little if it gets something done.

Something done? Something done! ThatÕs what you get a gift for? A giftÕs got to be exciting, or romantic, or something, not to help me put up with the boring. IÕve got that already.

Do you? Well, look, IÕm not defending boring but what exactly is this exciting, romantic, oh and aw? ItÕs some guy in a dream, whizzes into town, heÕs so smooth, he beds everyone to their initial excitement, and, later, irritability. Then heÕs gone. The dreamÕs over. ThatÕs romantic all right.

Yeah it is. ItÕs incredible exciting to be seduced. DonÕt you know? You should try it.

Just how, exactly, withÉĶ

They were getting off-topic. The fact is that a practical gift may indeed be a little boring, but it can be useful ThatÕs the meaning of the word, practical. ItÕs a help. Since when is a help not a gift, I say.

The gifts people refer to years later are rarely the practical ones.

ŌThat ten pound smoked ham from Alberta was wonderful. We ate it for months.Ķ

No, itÕs the box of chocolates, delicately shaped to resemble Guinea , or the book of the worldÕs hardest crosswords, the sweater, quickly made shapeless, or the 3-pixel digital camera. None of them lasted the year, but they were the special gifts.

On the other hand, my gift of 1000 screwdriver heads is still being used, I noticed. My gift book on emergency medical procedures is front and centre, as a threat to the kids, I suppose, or the set of kitchen knives, the captainÕs clock, and the vaporizer. What they wanted was the plastic steering wheel cover that changed colour as they drove. (What they really wanted in those years was hard cash, or gift certificates, both the most romantic gifts imaginable.)

Practical gifts stress the practical in the world, they stress being practical, too. Being practical in oneÕs spending habits, for sure, but also in making personal decisions. Who wants to go chasing chimeras?

Take the practical explanation for lifeÕs big questions, especially when life gets you down. Realize that the mushy-minded, the explanations and proposals and grand schemes that are based mainly on being warm and cuddly and hardly at all upon practicality are not a good idea, generally, despite their cuddliness.

Whether you see the world as a firestorm or as a desert of boredom, an idyllic garden of Eden, or a daily challenge, getting from here to there has always been a good skill, and a good accomplishment. A little help is a nice gift to get.

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Copyright © 2007 Fred Ryan/Log Cabin Chronicles/12.07