Log Cabin Chronicles
Jim Austin writes in Putney, Vermont.
Zionazis (500 words)
PUTNEY, VT | At this writing, on Martin Luther King Day, I am elated that a black American is about to be inaugurated as my President. Obama's approval ratings have skyrocketed due to the appalling mess left behind by the Bush administration. That said, it is a testament to Americans that they can look past color and vote for the man. Martin Luther King would have been pleased that we indeed voted for "the content of his character" rather than "the color of his skin."
A contagion on the land (800 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Eight years of the Bush administration has promulgated a contagion on our land that won't soon be excised. Thanks to the voters the Republican right wing has been, by virtue of self-interest and manifest corruption, forced to crawl back under the stinking rock from whence it came. It will no doubt fester in the darkness, gathering simpleton adherents until their numbers once again tip the scales in favor of evil. Other than that, they have done pretty well.
From abomination to Obama-nation (770 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Arrest Bush, Cheney, Bolton, Gonzalez, and Ryan Seacrest. Sail them all down to Guantanamo and waterboard the bejabers out of all of them until they admit that waterboarding is torture. Seacrest probably doesn't deserve this but anyone who describes himself as a "celebrity wrangler" should be tortured in some fashion. Maybe make him read a book by Thomas Hardy.
Fishing with Shorty or, The Really Big One That Got Away (1160 words)
PUTNEY, VT | While you Vermonters were cursing the day you ever moved to, or originated in, Vermont I was traveling to Nicaragua in search of the mighty tarpon. My son Shorty, the fruit of the sainted union between myself and my tempestuous flower Ruth, had been spending the past three months in Ocatal, Nicaragua. The lad had decided that Spanish fluency was the key to landing an ambassadorship in some espanolish country. He found a total immersion outfit on the net and off he went.
Torture American Style (1030 words)
PUTNEY, VT | This country has been governed by idiots for the past seven plus years. If they are the best of our country's citizenry I can almost agree with Kansas that evolution is a myth. When Bush stands in front of a press conference arms slightly forward with jutting jaw and brow, doesn't he look like he's about to drop to his knuckles and charge the press like a silverback gorilla?
Torture American Style (955 words)
PUTNEY, VT | Attaching electrodes to the genitalia or driving burning bamboo splints under the fingernails is all well and good but, in these days of runaway litigation by victims and nosey prying by the international press, we need a method that doesn't leave marks.
An Abundance of Bores (1100 words)
PUTNEY, VT | In my last thrilling appearance in the LCC, I submitted the list of Republican Candidates for President and rated their chances of obtaining the nomination based on several factors. I used their shiftiness, weaselry, money-grubbing, religious fanaticism, cover-up and suppression talents, and all around scum-sucking douchebaggery. In short, all the things that make Republicans Republican. This month we will have a look at the Democratic nominees. This is not an easy task, neither is analyzing swollen raisins in a bowl of tepid pablum. However, I shall try.
Confederacy of Losers (700 words)
What the Republican Party has trotted out is an astonishing cavalcade of miscreants as possible nominees for the 2008 Presidential Race. The most positive thing you can say is that any one of them would make a better President than George W.Of course that's like saying Leprosy is better than pancreatic cancer.
Hip Hop-ocracy (680 words)
If you were shocked when Don Imus of the "Imus in the Morning" radio and TV show referred to the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team as "nappy-headed hos" then you must be a new listener. Imus has been pulling this type of garbage for years.
Impeach Bush Now (840 words)
The last political figure that sanctioned torture and invaded another country for profit was hanged while still in office. Saddam Hussein had other similarities with George Bush.
Damned if I know (870 words)
The fighting part was easy. They reached Baghdad and tore down the statue of Hussein with very few losses. It was there that the plan ended.
The slur heard round' the world (695 words)
Who feels the loss of the US Senate more than skuzoid George Allen, erstwhile Senator of Virginia? George was all warm and cozy in his little nest of viperous Republican supporters, thinking no doubt that there was nothing on earth that could convince his legions of anti-abortion, snuff dippin', gun totin' gomers to vote against him.
The Birth and Death of Honest Conservatism (870 words)
Today's politician is much more likely to kiss the ass of anyone who can influence voters rather than use their boot. Goldwater flew up in my estimation in the film when, in one of his clips, he denounced those who would politicize abortion or deny the rights of homosexuals.
In Vino Veritas (1000 words)
Apparently Mel blew a .012 on the Breathalyzer. Well a bunch of us decided to try and drink enough to reach that level of intoxication, as an experiment you see. Given that Mel blamed the entire episode on the booze we wanted to see if any of us would turn into raving bigots under the influence of too much beer.
Jim's back and he's got some Sport Shorts for ya (780 words)
Well, I just got back from our Brazilian vacation my fellow Americans and I can tell you that the Brazilians are not too happy. Two reasons...
Through the Looking Glass (740 words)
If this is a war, which it is, then when the war ends neither we nor the Iraqi government can seek out and prosecute the fighters. Why would a warrior ever agree to a peace if they thought they would be thrown in jail and perhaps executed for their role as an insurgent?
Beware of Beans (680 words)
How can you people not understand that gay marriage rocks the underpinnings of our culture? Allowing two people of the same sex live together like man and wife is not only an affront to God, it destroys the sanctity of marriage and undermines even the marriages of differently sexed couples.
Harder than Chinese Algebra (720 words)
This local tempest is a microcosm of our national political situation. Republicans in this country had every chance to dump George Bush after he screwed up his first term. They did it to his daddy. But no, something changed in the psyche of the feral Republicans...
Publisher, you are fired (550 words)
I didn't get fired exactly. This is more seppuku than homicide. My demise was orchestrated by whoever has been raping my columns and rendering them flaccid and rather mundane. Sometimes it's the editor and sometimes "unnamed assailants."
Politics as usual (775 words)
It seems like every day a new lie or manipulation of facts turns up to indict our big fat liar President and his merry band of mendacious miscreants.
If you have read the Sports Illustrated article on Barry Bonds and his serial steroid use you know that he will soon become the most reviled superstar in sports history.
0 (my) Canada
Imagine, little Canada won twenty-four medals in these Torino Olympics. That's seven more than their previous high and only one less than the USA.
The jokers who are shaping our lives
Our society is incrementally losing its right to free speech while we watch slack-jawed and clueless.
The Incompetence Olympics
If there were an "Incompetence" Olympic games, the Bush Administration would get chronic neck pain from all the gold medals. Their latest flock of big ugly chickens has just come home to roost in the Middle East.
A Brave New Year A-coming
Use any of these words in a sentence too often and you might find yourself shackled to the floor in a five by five cell at Gitmo with a pimply-faced kid from Kansas trying to shove your copy of the Koran down the toilet. You don't need that.
Please be aware that the country of Vermontifornia will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just ask your evangelical voters.
Passport to adventure or Strange GOP Ways
The blind fakirs of India, the Filipino zealots who hang themselves from hooks, and the tribesman on Mongolia who play polo with a dead goat have nothing over the people of this country who vote Republican.
Last week, my local Vermont paper published its first annual list of Windham County's "Influential People." "I" wasn't included.
A Parliament of Pinheads
My, my, my ain't there just a heap of trouble in our little Nazi paradise on Pennsylvania Avenue? The chickens are coming home to roost in big ugly squadrons and they are bringing bird flu with them.
The Deity Myth
I have a news flash for you all. The God of the Bible, the Koran and the Torah does not exist. We made him up like the Easter Bunny, Feng Sui, and the Tooth Fairy.
No horses lost (725)
For two days after Katrina hit our President remained on vacation in Crawford, Texas, with nothing to do but ignore Cindy Sheehan. While he was mountain biking the people of the Gulf Coast were dying. His government's corruption and incompetence has set a standard by which all future tin pot political slimeballs will be measured.
If it can go wrong, it will -- just wait a while… (700)
Think you had a bad week? Did your car break down or did an important e-mail come back undeliverable? Well that ain't nothin'.
Hot Yoga Redux (630)
I have lost 18 pounds in the past few months and I'm still closer to Jupiter that Mercury but I don't have to use the toilet brush to wash my feet anymore.
Burning Issue (680)
Didn't I tell you? Didn't I say, "Don't get me started on that flag burning issue?"
Day of the Fanatic (700)
Given all the terrorist activities around the world, combined with Britain's involvement in the war in Iraq, wouldn't you think that the first priority of the government would be to infiltrate the Muslim community?
Panoply of extremism (690)
So how do you feel now about voting for Bush? People in Florida, Ohio, and Connecticut who decided to swing over to the Republican side, are you happy with your decision? The country hasn't been this screwed up since the Civil War.
In The Name Of The Father (580)
Tomorrow is the most important day of the year for many of us. It is a day when the unsung, the underappreciated, and the disrespected are finally able to bask in the sunshine.
Academicus Laudibilis (590)
We Austin's can trace our lineage back beyond Stephen Austin after whom Austin, Texas, was named. We go back to Ancient Rome and Emperor Augustine. Beyond that it gets a little hazy but there may have been an Austin involved in the early Druid movement. He was the guy who got paralyzed on mead and decided it would be a great idea to paint himself blue.
When I first heard "Hot Yoga" mentioned I thought it was something you might see on the Spice Channel starring that Star Wars character.
Yea, Verily (680)
So when the Pope was giving his valedictory address last week he said, "If the secular trend continues Western Civilization is doomed." As a former Hitler Youth he should know about doomed regimes.
The hits ju/h> (700)
I woke up this morning with a feeling of optimism. I've just read about the new rule that Republicans have forced on the ethics committee.
The Pope: An Iron Legacy (710)
Since the '60s all but the most fervent First World Catholics have ignored Papal demands forbidding birth control. Even the Catholic hierarchy has been clamoring for a relaxation of these strict tenets for the past twenty-five years. This Pope would have none of it.
HDTV - Bright, sharp, and pricey (750)
Since my dear old Dad brought home a 17-inch black and while Sylvania in 1956, I have been a devotee. I even wrote letters to Annette Funicello of the Mickey Mouse Club and received a photo back. The photo is all yellow and shriveled up now and, for that matter, so is Annette.
What fresh Hell... (700)
"What fresh Hell," you ask, "has George II and his merry band of planet plunderers got in store for us?"
Believe it. Or not. (610)
The soldiers either made an enormous mistake and are covering up, or they were trying to send a message that bargaining with insurgents will not be tolerated.
Super Dull (770)
No doubt most of the audience wondered who that desiccated old geezer was who dominated the half-time festivities. For those of you under 40, he was Paul McCartney. The poor old Beatle doddered through some tunes from ancient history originally performed by him and a few long dead companions.
It's a Guy Thing (680)
The hanging ceiling is a strange and wonderful invention thanks to the engineers at Armstrong. They developed a grid system that seems very shaky at first but which, when assembled, becomes rigid and strong. That's the theory anyway.
Relax, the US is winning (700)
We have no chance of achieving anything like the outcome that has been scripted for us by the zealots in this administration. We will reap only death and misery for both the Iraqis and ourselves.
Joe McCarthy: Back from Hell? (460)
Legions of liberals have spewed plenty of ink castigating the Bush-ferrets at the FOX network for their biased coverage of the news and their simpering toadyism as regards our two-term tyrant. Apparently their "right blight" infection is contagious.
Walk a mile in their shoes (600)
Republican voters have ignored dishonesty, incompetence, ideological fanaticism, and corruption to vote their Ayatollah into office. Obviously, they are incapable of empathy.
Bring on the Rapture (650)
Now that Torquemada (alias John Ashcroft) is out of here we can at least hope for an Attorney General that doesn't clap citizens in irons and hold them there until they confess.
Any questions? (690)
They lied to us and then went to war for reasons that are unknown to most of us. They are simply garden-variety war criminals.
Yanks Tank. Thanks. (700)
Clemons, as you know, is the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world. Had he been born with a normal arm he would work in an adult bookstore or sell methaphetamines to children for a living. He should have a bolt through his neck.
Sox or Talks? (715)
Did you watch the ball game or the debate? Were you more interested in the outcome of a contest between a bunch of overpaid steroid freaks or a dialogue between two men vying for the title of "most powerful human on the planet"?
Darth Vader vs Dudley Doright (690)
I just hate it that we have to choose between two oily incompetents and two reptiles of doom. You know that thing on Edward's lip? That's the nozzle where they fill him up with pureed partisan baloney every time the political winds change.
I tuned in on the off-chance that George would forget what state he was in or Kerry would finally lose it and kick George in the groin. I was disappointed at the civility shown by both men but impressed with the give and take.
The Weak in Review (575)
Let's rejoice over another little ray of sunshine brought to you by the GOP. I'm talking about the expiration of the ban on assault weapons.
Send in the clowns (700)
If you are going to stroll through this year's political arenas, don't wear your best shoes.
Armchair Olympiast (730)
I am a rabid Olympicaphile. Every two years, whether it is the Summer or Winter variety, I am velcroed to the barcalounger.
False issues, false promises (680)
There are lies and there are damned lies. Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge trotted out a whopper in my opinion.
Dem Convention Capers (675)
Kerry stood in front of the mound and tossed a 40-foot girlie-lob to a ceremonial catcher from the armed services who muffed the short hop. Clearly, Kerry would have been much more successful if he had cantered out on Bucephalus, his polo pony, and drilled a 150-foot mallet shot from center field.
Imperial Bush (670)
Why is he padding along on little pussy feet talking about benign issues while Bush is being measured for the purple robes of imperial ruler of a new American empire?
Democracy by force (680)
We have found that if you force feed democracy like a French goose you do not get foie gras. What you get is an olio of violence, confusion, torture, and the beginnings of a legacy of hatred that may take decades to diminish.
Let freedom rain (735)
OK, here's why it could not have happened: First, there is no way in the world that a C-student from Crawford,Texas, could extemporaneously come up with the phrase "Let Freedom Reign!" Even if he could there is no way George could spell reign. Or know what "sovereign" means for that matter.
Love letter to Bernie Sanders (600)
Vermonters are so lucky to have a representative in Washington like Bernie Sanders. Why he got into politics is a mystery to me.
What's new (670)
Was he drunk? What the hell was he talking about? A pickle? It must depend on your definition of "pickle," I guess.
Saint Ronald of Tampico (670)
This hero worship combined with a shameless distortion of facts is chilling. If the media can turn a second-rate President into a legendary figure of compelling wisdom in a week, what else can they do?
Old Time Hockey (775)
Maybe the reason nobody watches hockey anymore is because of helmets and mouthpieces. I mean who would watch boxing if Tyson had to wear a helmet? He'd have a heck of a time getting at his opponent's ear if it was covered in three inches of foam padding.
Electrode Diplomacy (750)
What a bizarre pass we have come to in this country. I wouldn't have believed you if you had said that our military would be torturing and sexually abusing incarcerated Iraqis.
Into Hell's Garden (800)
Rain forest camping was discussed. While sitting behind my computer in my air-conditioned study this seemed like jolly fun. Walk a few miles to a leafy glade, set up camp with the help of various guides and porters, then caper about identifying birds of paradise, butterflies, and furry mammals of every stripe. Not as adrenaline-pumping as catching a 50-pound tarpon but efficacious nonetheless.
Green Jacket Blues (640)
The 2004 Master's at Augusta National is a few days away. Last year's event was besmirched in the eyes of many by the feud between Chairman "Hootie" Johnson and feminist, some say "radical" feminist, Martha Burke.
Sayonara Sheik (700)
Israel's policy of killing off the leaders of Hamas is exactly the same as the US is trying like hell to do against the leaders of Al Quaeda.
Lard Lad Redux (770)
"Done" mumbled Stevie as he snapped off a bite of Ryvita wafer into the phone. Incidentally, Ryvita is a multi-grain compressed rectangular cracker containing few calories, tasting like the shingles on a chicken coop, and favored by dieters and other masochists the world over.
American Gulag (700)
Our American gulag at Guantanamo is a glaring testament to the hypocrisy the world sees in America every day.
Skull vs bones (600)
Eight months of attack ads, prevarication, and posturing lies ahead of us all. I, for one, am not looking forward to it.
Patriot Act (790)
Such a game already. Maybe the best Super Bowl ever. It was also a moment in the sun for my wretched brother in law.
Dear Voters (750)
The voters in this country are morons, apparently. They are just like those bidders on Ebay after a phony girlfriend.
Dean doomed (700)
I'd vote for Lizzie Borden if I thought she could give Bush forty whacks.
Contumelious Bastard (675)
I'm sorry, but the Iowa primary has got to wait. I have to talk about a moral degenerate who isn't fit to scrub toilets in a Calcutta whorehouse. No, I'm not talking about George W. Bush.
It is as if the first thing governments do is set up a Department of Asinine Choices which is designed to run contrary to the state's best interests.
You say you want a resolution? (600)
I resolve once again to reduce the circumnavigation distance around the old waistline. The abdominal equator currently has two time zones. Dunkin' Donuts will henceforth be regarded as a house of ill repute.
Even a blind squirrel can find the odd acorn (720)
My yuppie brother-in-law called to gloat last week after Hussein had been dug out of his spider hole. The B-I-L is one of those not so rare dimbulbs who votes Republican just in case he ever gets rich.
Brain transplant (640)
Our administration was about as subtle as a case of genital herpes. Paul Wolfowitz, the Freddie Krueger of the Bush Administration, hauled out the megaphone and announced to the world that the four countries named above would not be allowed to play with the other kids.
The US body politic is riddled with disease. The symptoms are everywhere. The diagnosis is Bush-itis.
Bits & Pieces (580)
After living in Canada for some thirty years I can tell you that their pills are just as good as ours. The problem is that Canadian pills are cheaper.
Another fun Republican heard from (720)
It is stunning when you piece together the pattern of right-wing atrocities that this regime has perpetrated on this country. The U.S. has people in jail without trial or representation. We have alienated the member countries of the UN Human rights are eroding and the right-wing media are hoorahing like storm troopers on Kristalnacht.
Drive-by Honking (680)
I'm up at 6:30 a.m., slather the thighs with vaseline to combat "chub rub", secure the walkman, set the pedometer and I'm off. This morning my route was three miles on River Road over a blessedly level surface.
Baseball...and curses (710)
Who in the hell is Aaron Boone? He sounds like a Jewish frontiersman, not a baseball player. Like everyone else in New England I was taking a tentative breath in the bottom of the eleventh inning when this lightweight came to bat.
"With half his brain tied behind his back" (690)
What was your reaction when Rush Limbaugh resigned from ESPN on the same day that he was accused of using black market prescription drugs?
Diplomatic debacle (620)
It all began when George Bush told the rest of the world to go to hell and refused to sign the Kyoto Accords. Despite the US being the biggest contributor to global warming on the planet, the Bush Administration thumbed their noses at the rest of the world.
Keystone Kapers (680)
Bush's ill-conceived, poorly implemented, and short-sighted invasion of Iraq could end in the kind of debacle we witnessed in Vietnam. Two years from now, after the loss of thousands of troops, will we see the last American soldier leaving the roof of the Baghdad Hilton on the struts of an Apache helicopter?
Ya gotta believe (650)
As New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof tells us Americans will believe just about anything: 47 percent of Americans believe that the Antichrist is on earth right now (is it Al Franken?), 48 percent believe in creationism (our President included), and 68 percent of Americans believe in the devil.
The Survival of America (780)
Never before have I felt a sense of embarrassment over my American citizenship. Worse yet is the feeling of suspicion over every move the government makes.
Three Ring Circus (760)
"Vee are goink to pump you up Sacramento" Arnold spoke these very words on the Tonight Show after he announced his candidacy for governor of California. They haven't had a candidate this weird since the great tectonic upheaval of 1936.
Society of hypocrites (725)
If I offered you a choice between tolerating an organization who hates black people or one that protects child rapists, which would you select?
Bits & Pieces of a Fine Old Rant (645)
Guess what? For $10,000 you can fly to Vegas and hunt naked women with paintball guns. Omigod. Did you hear that Osama? Apparently the good ole boys stalk these naked babes who wear only goggles and running shoes then blast them with paintballs.
Mendacity Blues (760)
Here's a switch. The White House is now admitting that the President lied in his State of the Union address last January.
The Scotch Fast (570)
Without the help of a nutritionist or my future library of weight loss literature, we invented the Scotch-fast (patent pending). We pledged to each other that, for one week, we would consume only Scotch and water. After that week we would tally our losses and decide whether to continue.
Pants on fire (650)
We have a President that didn't win the popular vote, has run the deficit through the roof, has presided over massive unemployment, is packing the courts with right wing zealots that would make Torquemada wince, and lied us into a war that promises to turn into a quagmire of death and global anti-American hatred before it is over. And his polls couldn't be higher. What does it take to get through to you people?
Bits & pieces to gladden the heart (660)
Lebron James will be the number one pick in the NBA draft. He isn't quite finished with high school yet but has recently signed a $90,000,000 deal with Nike.
Ignorance is Strength (720)
"It was not desirable that the proles should have strong political feelings. All that was required of them was a primitive patriotism, which could be appealed to whenever it was necessary to make them accept longer working hours or shorter rations..."
Last week Operation Iraqi Freedom soldiers permanently liberated fourteen Iraqi demonstrators into the hands of Allah. I was surprised to see that this kind of reporting was allowed to surface. Lately I get the feeling that our news services are just another tentacle of the Bush government.
In Bush We Trust (800)
Okay, according to the latest polls President Bush has a 70 percent approval rating. Where was this poll conducted? Kenneth Lay's billiard room perhaps? Maybe it was part of the intake procedure at Bellevue clinic in New York.
Never Again (670)
Last weekend I saw "The Pianist." It was a slightly different take from the many movies depicting the plight of the Jews that we have all seen over the years.
Operation World Freedom (630)
The utter incompetence of this administration in the field of international cooperation is unprecedented. The Bush efforts at obtaining consensus and at dealing with different cultures can only be described as hostile and profoundly retarded.
The fact that the guidebooks raved about the fishing in Belize did not escape my attention. I would rather fish in the sea than be thrown into a pit of naked super models.
To hell with all this ****ing snow (680)
Unlike you frozen stiffs, I get a little reprieve starting next week. Once again I will sacrifice my spare time to take college students on a little junket south. After a few years of Costa Rican adventures we have decided to try Belize.
Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio? (680)
The Administration of this country has gone berserk. The ideologues that are completely out of touch with reality -- and the American people -- have taken over our government. When they are through murdering half of Iraq, hundreds of our own soldiers, and installing the government of their choice, Americans will become worldwide pariahs. Travel overseas will be a nightmare. Look for sales of Canadian flag-embossed apparel to skyrocket.
More about George (800)
Open your wallet. See that moth flying out? That's a nice metaphor for the way our economy is running. George looked at the economy and saw that it was bad. To fix it he decided to give enormous tax cuts to the rich. No doubt they'll dedicate a polo game to George in honor of his good deed.
Guns and bozos (700)
While George Bush is busy alienating America internationally, his wormy little National Rifle Association comrades remain busy imperiling all of us with their pro handgun rhetoric.
The best and the worst of us (800)
I'm not saying that our government has faked evidence or otherwise lied throughout Colin Powell's comprehensive presentation on Wednesday. The point is that this "evidence" will convince those who are already convinced and make little impression on those who are not in favor of war.
War Drums (795)
Our President is no longer a joke. At least not a funny one. His references to nuke-u-lar weaponry are sinister rather than amusing.
Mugs away (830)
Next I went with my almost unbreakable rule. "Never bet on Florida teams."
Why? You ask, do I carve this rule in stone? It's jealousy, actually.
We will bury you (670)
We maintain about 36,000 American troops near the DMZ and have done so for decades. The South Koreans have a modern, well-equipped army of 100,000 troops. Why not pull out in an amiable fashion and allow the South Koreans to guard their own borders?
Democrat Loser Pageant (640)
So far, the Dems have fielded a team of lightweights that have all the insight and vision of drunken Teletubbies.
My slice of reality (950)
T and A is a major draw. Large breasts, while often a drawback to performing the stunts, are almost essential to the application process. The show could easily be over with in fifteen minutes. It runs for an hour.
America Ûber Alles (600)
The Bush administration is authoring a sea-change in our society. We are moving steadily to the right, and nobody with any juice is doing anything about it.
The Power of One (700)
I don't want to be an alarmist but you realize what this means right? It means that you or I or any citizen of this country can be snuffed out like a birthday candle on the say so of the CIA, or the FBI, or I presume anyone who can convince the President that someone is a member of Al Qaeda.
Operation Overlord II (750)
Let's all think of conservatives as plutocratic, snake-handling, ultra-Christian bigots who want guns in vending machines and the death penalty for anyone who doesn't support Bush's plans to dominate the planet.
Thanks for... (525)
I hope you all plan to take a major step toward morbid obesity and football overload this Thanksgiving. Here are the things I am thankful for.
BS from the BSA (680)
There must not be much going on in Seattle these days. Most of the population have got their knickers in a twist about Darrell Lambert, a 19-year-old Eagle Scout who had to hand in his neckerchief for not believing in a God.
Dumocrats throw it away (575)
Once again you cannot go wrong betting on the capriciousness of the American voter. "Capricious" for all you idiots who didn't vote means "variable" at best and "flighty" at worst.
Open Arms (700)
Gun control had become a non-issue in the 2002 election campaign until early October, when two maniacs with an assault rifle began murdering citizens in the DC area.
If you don't believe that the bombing of the nightclub in Bali is a backlash against Bush policies, then think again.
Who is the terrorist? (700)
Democrats are folding like the deck chairs on the Titanic. They are caving in to Bush's psychotic war dreams with barely a whimper.
Is this the best we can do? (880)
It started me thinking about the way politicians must regard you and me, the voting public. The contempt in which we are held just boggles the mind.
Pattern recognition (900)
So, if we are evolving faster and faster and our machines are more and more sophisticated what the hell happened to the Bush Administration? It seems likely that we should be evolving politically as well but not so. In fact in many areas our government has us "devolving" rapidly.
Vietnam redux? (800)
Ignoring for a moment the dime novel author of this drivel, I submit the following: President Bush is fast becoming one of the world's worst leaders. He is also the world's most powerful leader in charge of the world's worst weapons.
Sports shorts (670)
Who's game to tell Serena the truth about her new "cat suit?"
Bush's domestic or foreign policy -- which is worse? (675)
This administration has no cogent foreign policy. They want what they want when they want it and if our allies don't like it, then they are against us. When was the last time both Canada and Britain told us that we were all wet on any foreign policy issue?
Tomato surprise (750)
You know how Anthony felt about Cleopatra? How PETA feels about fuzzy bunnies? Or Don Quixote felt about Dulcinea? That's how Ruth, my jewel of loveliness, feels about her tomatoes.
What kind of idiots do they think we are? If the invasion occurs, it will be because of oil. Iraq has oil and lots of it. We import 700,000 barrels of Iraqi oil per day. This is twice as much as before the invasion of Kuwait. Bush and Cheney are oilmen.
Report card (740)
Dear Former President and Mrs. Bush: Your son, George W., has received his marks from his first term in office. We are thrilled to report that his grades in the White House far surpass those mediocre marks he received when he received his degree in cheerleading at Yale.
The mangy ghost of Jesse Helms is alive and well. Every civilized nation has ratified the new UN war crimes court except the United States.
What is it about separation you don't understand? (850)
If we can't endure the exclusion of God in our government, then we should consider an amendment that invites him in the front door and ends the solemn mockery of our laws. Given the current climate of religious fervor the amendment will be unanimous. However, only certain Gods need apply.
Short Takes (730)
Like most people I was relieved that Mike Tyson was taught a lesson by our tea-drinking British heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis. Iron Mike didn't make good on his threats to "reach into Lewis's head and squash his brain" or something like that. Instead Lewis reached into Mike's head.
The Nixon Legacy (900)
Bush, Ashcroft, and Cheney have perpetrated so many shady deals and constitutionally unsound acts that it is very difficult to keep up with. The media seems to report their violations, then just allow them to fade away as if editors are reining them in and refusing to disclose the pattern of misbehavior that is evident to anyone paying attention.
False prophets (600)
It should be clear to anyone who has followed the proceedings over the past year that the Catholic Church has become a sanctuary for perverts and child molesters. Clearly the word was out to abusers through some underground pervert grapevine that if you want to practice your pederasty, just join the Catholic priesthood.
Excuse my radiation (630)
Looks like big trouble in South Asia. Again. Pakistan and India have been holding their own little cold-then hot-then cold-war since 1949.
It's the stupidity, Stupid (950)
Last Sunday, Dick Cheney took some time off from babysitting George Jr. to appear on Meet the Press. Uncle Dick told Tim Russert that he didn't want a Congressional Committee to investigate what the White House knew and when they knew it as regards 9/11 warnings.
Mom's the Bomb (700)
Mom was the first woman to graduate from law school at Cumberland University in Tennessee. Cumberland U is still famous for it's unprecedented defeat in college football to Georgia Tech in 1916. The score was 222 – 0.
The shooting debate continues (875)
Sorrell admitted that there was much conflicting testimony among those present as to what happened. Some said he charged, some said he stood his ground Sorrell stated.
You know, it's exhausting trying to sort out the problems in the Middle East. Despite writing a barge-load of pure truth and reason, there are still those who would disagree with me. That's why I'm talking sports today. I need a break.
Investigation #2002 (700)
These were not combat deaths. These deaths were the result of an unfortunate geographical position. In other words, they were within 500 square miles of an American military aircraft with a hotshot trigger-happy under-trained punk with one hand on the joystick and the other on the missile launcher.
Israel's moral edge blunted (800)
It is time to look at what is happening in the Middle East and in America without the blinders. I haven't come to any conclusions about our policies in the Mid East. I do see that Israel appears to be taking advantage of the suicide bombings to behave like Nazis.
Global news of the weird (650)
While in my little rainforest hideaway in Golfito, Costa Rica I picked up a copy of the Tico Times. The Tico Times is the major English newspaper in Costa Rica. On page 11 in the March 22 issue I chanced upon a column called A Little World News.
Justice for Law (600)
Cardinal Bernard Law actively facilitated the cover-up of what must be considered one of the worst crimes on the books. There are not many criminal activities more vile than pedophilia.
Bush rattles the US sabre (700)
Bush's ever-expanding warlike posturing and export of troops to other countries needs to be examined in the cold light of day. We cannot hold in our criticism of government forever in order to portray a united front to our enemies. If we did that we would be more North Korean than American.
Oh Ca-Na-Da (650)
What was your take on the Olympics? Was it a crass money-driven, flag-waving, jingoistic orgy of ugly Americanism or one of the best ever?
Suffer unto Me the little children (625)
There are some stories that are so depraved, so laden with vile details and implications about us as humans that they are difficult to read. It almost feels like learning the details of such things demeans the learner. The atrocities countenanced by the Catholic Church against children in their care is one such story.
NBC must-see TV -- finally (750)
Sometimes you don't realize what unimaginative, cynical meatheads are polluting the airwaves on sports radio. It's fine to listen to these guys when they are talking about the NCAA basketball tournament or the run-up to the Super Bowl, but when the Olympics come around they act like a pack of howler monkeys worried about some other simian is peeing on their turf.
Bush League (675)
Last week I cooked up a big thick sirloin steak. That baby must have weighed two pounds. After consuming pound one I wasn't that hungry anymore. Still I persevered and crammed in all but a greasy little bit of fat.
No Souper Bowl for you! (650)
The New England Patriots, my boys, my new favorite team of all time has turned the odds makers of "Lost Wages" Nevada on their collective ears. No way were these no-names with an upstart quarterback named Brady ever going to make the playoffs. Hah! Let us review:
We've got Enron-itis (800)
I am so tired of our institutional policy of cover-up and misdirection. We all know that our politicians obtain power by accepting money from big business. Most of us know that the price for keeping their war chests full is a spoken or unspoken promise to legislate what is best for big business. By their own hand politicians have placed themselves in an untenable moral dilemma.
We're back! (650)
Old Rumsfeld told us that we were going to be into this anti-terrorist deal for the long haul and it looks like he wasn't lying. The news is just in that we have landed troops on the Philippine Islands.
The Enron states of America (660)
The collapse of the Enron Corporation is a very literal metaphor for the way the man on the street is constantly stiffed by our system of government.
Looking back 365 - 9/11 is top news story (550)
2001 will be remembered forever as the day terrorists awakened the United States from a cozy dream world. We learned that we cannot take our security for granted. We learned that we can't use our resources to arm one side of a conflict without infuriating the other.
Confidence in cops eroded (760)
If a former police officer like me, who has always been police-friendly, has lost confidence in our officers how must everyone else feel?
The tie that binds (750)
This particular sacrificial lamb was actually planning to get involved in the wedding plans. Fortunately, I was able to intervene before fatal mistakes were made.
Weenie roasts, & large round balls (600)
Softball is to baseball as "musical chairs" is to football. There is a place for softball to be sure. The outdoor weenie roast with potato salad, several families and lots of kiddies is a good venue for softball.
Theocracy, American Style (600)
The High Priest of Government, the Reverend George W. Bush, has reiterated his initial Papal Bull regarding stem cell research. Now that the Advanced Cell Technology Company has announced some preliminary progress in the development of human stem cells, George has announced once again his caveat against such a blasphemy.
Dancing with the Devil (975)
I understand about expediency. Our government is slow-dancing with the devil to try and retaliate immediately against those who perpetrated the 911 murders.
War Notes: if it's broke, fix it (660)
This "war" is a conflict in more ways than one. There are so many angles to consider. Gone are the days when armies just march in, blowup the infrastructure, kill everyone in sight, and go home.
Letter from Luis (1250)
Last month I shared a letter with you that I wrote to Luiz Carlos Nogueira, a businessman in Brazil, wherein I asked his view of recent events. Here is his reply, translated from the Portuguese by his son Clovis. I have changed nothing.
Holy Daze: one man's take on organized religion (700)
There is one reason why men and women conjured up religion. They were scared. They saw that when things die, they rot. They didn't want to rot like so much roadkill so they made up a fairy tale that says: if you are a good Christian or Muslim or Scientologist, you will enter the Kingdom of Heaven when you die. There you will have your way with virgins and feast at the Right Hand of the Almighty.
My terrorist manual (850)
It has been said several times in the past weeks that we don't have a manual to help us deal with our current terrorist crisis. Consider the following a rough draft.
Letter to Luis (880)
So much has happened since we communicated last. This country is very confused and very afraid. 6000-plus families are mourning their dead and most of them don't really know why they were murdered.
Casualties of war (670)
It is the educated man who is willing to go underground, live among his enemies, and then sacrifice his life to create terror in a population of innocents.
Vision not revenge (800)
Now is a time for solidarity and clear thinking. We have underestimated our enemies and thousands of innocent people have paid the price. Our leaders have made mistakes in policy, diplomacy, and vision that left us unprepared for the vile rage of Muslim extremists. We must not now compound our lack of preparedness and errors by lashing out like a wounded animal.
World racism conference 'unqualified failure' (600)
I'll bet the organizers of the recent conference on racism are in a state of shock.
What 'is' is (600)
Why would a turkey-necked 53-year-old Baptist politician with a wife and kids have an affair with a 24-year-old woman? Because he is a Congressman and therefore immune to the rules of society, that's why.
Presidents Doofy, Cheney & Exxon (670)
I've got a picture of the "Three Stooges" taped to my bookshelf but superimposed beneath the funny haircuts are Bush, Cheney and Powell. The more I look at them the more I realize that it is the American people who are the real stooges.
Scopes must be spinning in his grave (850)
I watched my Grandfather deteriorate over the course of a few years. He steadily lost motor function until he could barely take a step, had to be fed due to uncontrollable tremors, and, finally, mercifully died.
Democracy, Bush-style (600)
I received my [federal] tax refund last week. I tried to think of a way to use it to bring down the Bush regime but settled on a titanium driver instead.
One of the things that used to be cheap and fun was the movies
When I was a kid growing up in Windsor, Ontario, I never missed a Saturday afternoon matinee.
The Ibuprophen League
Do old athletes just fade away? Well the smart ones do. The others refuse to let it go, grow up, and get on with their lives.
Your gun lobby at work for you
Apparently the simple fact that we have more murders per year than Chechnya, all due to our institutional handgun psychosis, isn't enough to persuade the legions of NRA advocates. One child dead a day or a week or whatever it is just isn't enough reason to have intelligent gun regulations in this country.
Goosed and abandoned
This year's Open was a surprise to the golfing cognoscenti. The traveling Tiger show was a flop, due perhaps to the fact that Tiger has just signed with Disney to do promos and the like. Does this mean we have to call him "Tigger" from now on?
Cruel and unusual
Some people are against capital punishment because they say in is simply "vengeance." To them I say, "Yeah, so?"
Goodbye Jesse Helms
It was as if the Senate had appointed "Bugsy" Malone to chair a committee on organized crime. Helms has consistently shown that he is unable to countenance anyone who is not white, heterosexual, and preferably from the South.
Yes, there has been a betrayal. But it's not the one that Bush's keepers have been carping about. The Republican Party has betrayed Jim Jeffords. In the process the GOP is betraying thousands of supporters who fall into the 'moderate' Republican category.
Uncle Robert was not without his faults. But as he himself said, when apprised of the cannibalistic and savage behavior of Idi Amin, "Well... nobody's perfect."
Sorry about all that
Before we address that little puzzle, let's see if there are any reasons why China should be so petulant with the good old USA. Maybe it is because the United States has been kicking China around for the last century or so.
Living the Dolphin Quest life
If you don't like scarlet macaws, amazon parrots and a hundred other birds surrounding you daily, don't come here. This place is a bio-diversity freak's wet dream.
Mud Season cometh and I'm off to Costa Rica (750 words)
While I am rubbing sunscreen on the coeds I'll be thinking of you. Remember to tie a board to your butts, Vermonters -- this could be the mother of all mud seasons.
One small spark of freedom (600 words)
Our checkered human rights history began when the first Europeans sailed to New England to escape religious persecution in Europe. I wonder if the irony of their eventual decimation of the indigenous population ever occurred to them?
Death and the movies (500 words)
Before I unleash the sweet voice of reason on any controversial issues I have a warning and a recommendation to share. The warning concerns paying good money to see the nationally acclaimed Kung Fu meets Peter Pan movie, "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.".
RELUCTANT RAMBO (6000 words in several installments)
In which Jim entertainingly recounts his days as an enforcer of the law in Papua, New Guinea.
Looking for a sucker (640 words)
Jim goes trolling for young and unsuspecting handball opponents.
Don't eat the yellow snow (530 words)
Advice to young writers by an old pro.
Genetics with a twist (700 words)
Thoughts while lounging and musing.
Golf Diary (700 words)
Jim's excellent, if brief, journal.
The Fuzzy Bunny Gazette (640 words)
Recalling a Canadian boyhood...
Dogshit Defenseman (660 words)
Recalling a Canadian boyhood...
Going to the dogs (770 words)
Bat-faced dogs, messy dogs...
Stuck on bauds (560 words)
Putney's Jim Austin decides to get wired.
Stick this up your nose. Not. (650 words)
Faced with copious nose hairs, Jim buys a nose mower.
Home | Features | Fiction | Poetry | Columns | Opinion
Copyright © John Mahoney 2009 / Log Cabin Chronicles 01.09