John Mahoney's Free-fire Zone
John Mahoney
John Mahoney
is editor of the Log Cabin Chronicles.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 12.31.02
Fool's Hollow, Quebec


Exercise -- it's a no-brainer

So, before Christmas the Silver Fox obtains for moi a gift certificate for thirty days trial access to the local torture chamber, aka the gym.

This is presented on Christmas morning in a plain white envelope along with a pair of warm gloves, a shirt, a jar of liquored up apricots, and a bar of dark chocolate.

I am appropriately grateful, while hiding secret reservations about the sweat trials to come. I've never really enjoyed that programmed exercise stuff.

But I'm trapped so I resign myself to pushing and pulling weights and levers and handles for at least a month.

Now comes welcome news that puts all of the above in doubt: the latest medical research posits that " Evidence Mounting That Moderate Drinking Is Healthful."

This is direct from the New York Times, so I know these are true facts:

A drink or two a day of wine, beer or liquor is, experts say, often the single best nonprescription way to prevent heart attacks -- better than a low-fat diet or weight loss, better even than vigorous exercise. Moderate drinking can help prevent strokes, amputated limbs and dementia.

Did you get that?

"… better even than vigorous exercise."

I knew that. It was innate knowledge but I knew that.

And, further: " Moderate drinking can help prevent strokes, amputated limbs and dementia."

I believe that Irish whiskey, taken in moderation, can reverse dementia, which, according to some of my neighbors, has afflicted me for some time.

Well, friends, Moderation is my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marquis, but both begin with 'M' so you get the general idea…

And then there's the money factor.

It costs about $1 a day to gain access to all of the healthy machines at the gym, which opens before the crack of dawn.

Listen up: that is about the same cost as a jigger a day of Irish whiskey, here in Quebec.

If whiskey and exercise cost the same, and whiskey is better for you than vigorous exercise, and you can drink whiskey in the comfort of your own home, in a recliner by the fireplace, and to exercise you have to drive fifteen miles, pollute the air with exhaust fumes, and consume the better part of a morning, why, it's a no-brainer.

God bless you, Abigail Zuger, reporter and wonderful never-met friend from the New York Times, for being a bearer of truth in these days of disinformation and mendacity.