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John Mahoney's Free-fire Zone
John Mahoney
John Mahoney
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is editor of the Log Cabin Chronicles.

His previous columns are archived HERE.

Posted 08.19.03
Fool's Hollow, Quebec

JOHN MAHONEY

Seadoo Fascists

"No," I told my grandson Ben, "it isn't legal to shoot them. You can't even fire a warning shot over their bows."

We were sitting on the dock in the once-peaceful cove on Lake McGregor, being aurally and visually raped by a pair of fascists roaring around on seadoos one hundred feet away.

We could smell the stink of gasoline and, although we couldn't see the thin film of oil they left in their wake, we knew it was there.

They made a continuing racket like an angry buzz saw that echoed off the water and back and forth between the steep, rocky banks of the shoreline.

Back and forth, round and round, rev up, slow down, rev up, swoop close then roar away…their frothy waves rocked the kids' rubber raft, the tethered canoe.

The cove was small, the lake large and deep and very wide just up the shore.

But these two fascists had come way down the lake to this small cove containing two cottages for their watery frolic. They linked up with an anchored outboard, presumably containing additional Visigoths taking their rest.

What a good time they seemed to be having. Never mind the effect on the folks vacationing in the nearby cottages. They, too, were on vacation and Canada is a free country and they were exercising their right to have fun -- even if it was right up our noses.

I idly speculated how far I would have to lead them, given the distance, their speed, my slight elevation, and the light breeze playing over the water.

Ben was immediately interested, as an 11-year-old boy would be. He wanted to know what kind of gun -- rifle, shotgun, machine gun -- and what caliber we might use.

I explained the differences and we examined the various options: dum-dums, birdshot and buckshot, a wall of lead laid down with a water-cooled .30 caliber machine gun.

However, I told him as I sighted down my outstretched arm, index finger leading the front fascist slightly as he roared around the cove, you cannot do a thing like that.

Don't even think about it -- it is wrong, both morally and legally, I told him as I flexed my thumb/firing pin.

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