Log Cabin Chronicles


Watch your wallet
being a modest proposal for municipal revenue enhancement

Now my advice for those who die
Declare the pennies on your eyes
Cause I'm the tax man
Yeah, I'm the tax man
And you're working for no one but me.

Tax Man - Lennon/McCartney

Fool's Hollow, Quebec

yes, we all know these are the difficult days that deplete man's resources, and empty his wallet.

In the name of social peace, then, cannot we agree that everything should be verboten?

That it, all except that which is expressly permitted in the Bylaws of the Collectivity.

It is well understood and accepted that they who do and use must pay for their doing and using.

Thus, if you drive a car on the public highway you must pay to register it with Representatives of the Collectivity. If you drive too fast, or too slowly, you must pay extra for each apprehended event.

Or, if you choose to go a-boating you must pay to register your water craft, your trailer, and also to park beside the still waters.

This is a basic principle of our way of life.

There are those social theorists -- not necessarily in power, but who wouldn't mind wielding the social cudgel -- who believe it best to confine certain activities to designated areas.

This facilitates control and inspection, and makes it easier and more efficient to impose and regulate uniformity. In turn, this improves public order, and promotes social peace and neatness.

Our towns and cities in our beloved Democratic Collectivity of Quebec (DCQ) are increasingly in need of revenue enhancement activities and sources, especially in light of the cost-shifting philosophy of our leadership, both annointed and appointed.

As basic rate payers, we ought to be ever-conscious of the need of our elected and appointed functionaries for additional tax dollars to fund more consultants, cultural committees, conferences, snacks at meetings, travel allowances, and attendance at revenue enhancement seminars and strategy sessions.

Here, then, are a few modest suggestions that, if rigorously enforced without fear or favor, could enhance the municipal revenue stream:

Bicycles: People who can afford to buy bicycles for themselves and/or their children can afford to factor an annual registration fee into their household budgets.

Tricycles: See above.

Unicycles: See above. Perhaps the fee could be reduced because of the single wheel.

Scooters, skates, skate boards, roller blades, pogo sticks: Lots of annoying kids have these.

Prams, baby strollers: Four-wheeled vehicles that create an undetermined amount of wear-and-tear should pay their fair share.

Shoes: Teenagers who scuffle and Golden Agers who shuffle wear away a fair amount of paving on sidewalks and street crossings. It will take some serious research to quantify the exact reduction.

Motorcycle boots: Have you ever watched these people slowing down at caution and stop lights? There's cause for a tax levy here.

Skis, snowboards, and smoky back-yard barbecues for openers. Listen to the radio. Watch television and videos? Surf the Internet? Read? All good sources of revenue.

Think of all those folks getting vasectomies or boob jobs. Oh, the possibilities are intriguing.

How about this petite honey of an idea for both enhancing revenue and stabilizing the social peace: a special assessment for speaking any language other than French outside the privacy of the speaker's abode?

How the spirit does quicken at the prospect.

Yes, everything must be forbidden until permitted and that which is permitted must be paid for. It's all correct and proper, and very DCQ-ish.

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Copyright © John Mahoney 1997
Log Cabin Chronicles/8.97