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2018
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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.28.10
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

I am dog. I eat house.

Hello. Hello hello HELLO! I am the dog and I am eating the Family's house. I will tell you about it when I stop jumping on you. I know it is wrong because the Man keeps yelling at me. But he is always yelling at me. He does not understand that I am jumping on you because you will not bend down to let me lick you on the mouth, so I must make myself tall. Just a taste. Yes, yes. Hello! Hello!

I like my house. There is a lot to eat. When the Family leaves and forgets to put me in the Cage, I look for the best things to eat, which are usually in the food-making place. I make myself tall there. I find things to eat in the food-making place.

I like bread. I like toys. I like dishes in the sink. I eat what is in the dishes. Then I eat the dishes. Ooo, sharp knives. I pull the sharp knives onto the floor. Lick, lick, lick. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Lick, lick, lick some more. I will tell you something I know: do not eat the metal part. Lick good, eat bad. I am a bad dog.

Sometimes the Short People leave socks in a basket. Socks are delicious and I want to do things with them. I want to eat them. I go to the basket and I steal a sock. I run where no one can find me, under the table where the Family eats. No can find me there but sometimes the Man finds me there and then I am bad. He takes the sock from me and puts it back in the basket. He goes away. I take the sock again. I play this game over and over. And then the Man puts me in the Cage.

I eat underwear.

The Family has cats. The cats are stupid. Stupid cats! I eat the cats. I do not eat them all the way through but I make them good and wet with my mouth. I nibble. I am bad when I put a cat in my mouth. If I nibble too many cats they put me in the Cage. Some day the Family will let me eat a whole cat because the Family has five cats and that is too many and they will not miss one small cat that I will eat.

Now I will tell you about eating the house.

The house is made of wood and wood is good to eat. They put me on a chain. I do not like the chain. The chain stops me from running away very fast, which I do when I am outside and not on the chain. Sometimes I go fast out the door and they cannot catch me to put me on the chain. Then I run away. They try to catch me but I am too fast. The Man says bad words. This makes me happy. A game! The Man says more bad words. The Man is funny. And then I am bad and he puts me in the Cage. I know I am bad.

WaitÉ

HEY! HEY HEY HEY! DO NOT WALK BY MY HOUSE! THIS HOUSE BELONGS TO THE FAMILY! HEY! I HAVE A CHAIN ON! IF I DID NOT HAVE A CHAIN ON I WOULD COME AND BARK AT YOU CLOSER! I AM THINKING ABOUT EATING YOU! KEEP WALKING! I WILL KEEP BARKING!

Bark!

Okay, I'm back.

Bark.

The part of the house I am eating is the corner. It is wood. Wood is good to eat. I eat it when they put me on the chain. I do not like the chain. The chain stops me from running away very fast...

Wait...

I eat the corner. But that is not the best part. I am eating the porch also. The bottom of the porch has wood called lattice on it. I know this because the Man yells "DO NOT EAT THE LATTICE, DOG NAME!"

Behind the lattice is dirt and dark under the porch with things there, old things, sharp metal things that I can chew. I pull all the pieces of lattice wood off the porch with my teeth. My teeth chew good!

There is almost no lattice left. I can hide under the porch on my chain. I do not like the chain. The chain keeps me from running away very fast...

Wait...

Today was a good day. I have eaten most of the lattice. Today I pulled off the largest piece of wood I have ever pulled off, the part of the porch that the lattice is attached to. It was bigger than the Man. The Man took it away before I could eat it. But I am not worried. There are many other large pieces of wood that I can eat. I am strong. I have teeth.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

Never mind. It was a leaf and not a person to jump on...

I will eat the house. I will eat the house until it is gone.

I will lick you on the mouth now.

Do not put me in the Cage.

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