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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.20.09
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

The Academy Awards, brought to you by Milk-Bones

Two years ago, my daughter Abby took over this column in order to predict the major Oscar winners. It was a bit of a washout, not least because her pick for Best Picture was Barbie in the Twelve Dancing Princesses.

This year, I'd like to turn things over to our six-month-old black Labrador, Bella. Hey, she can't do any worse...

BEST ACTOR

Richard Jenkins: The Visitor: A visitor? Where? Where? I like visitors. I like to jump on them. Look at me jump. I'm jumping and biting at their hands. Look at me grab the glove. I'm running away with it. Now I'm jumping on the visitor again. Don't be so sad, Richard Jenkins, you're nominated for an Oscar and this puppy loves you!

Frank Langella: Frost/Nixon: I'm a little scared of this man. He is a mean man. I can sense it. Does he beat dogs? No. Is he convincingly playing a disgraced Republican president? Yes. I'm sitting down with my tail between my legs. I just piddled a little.

Sean Penn: Milk: He's a happy man. I want to play with the happy man. Look at his hair. I wish I could tear that hair off and run away with it. I would chew it with love.

Brad Pitt: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: That's not acting, that's special effects. You can't fool me. Okay, you can fool me, especially when you pretend to throw the ball and I go chasing after it but I can't find it. That works maybe nine times out of ten and then I catch on. But if Brad Pitt pretended to throw a ball, I wouldn't be fooled.

Mickey Rourke: The Wrestler: Look how sweaty and stinky the man is. He's filthy and disgusting. I want to roll around on him!

And the Oscar goes to...

Mickey Rourke. Have you seen the little dog he carries around with him? I could eat that dog!

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway: Rachel Getting Married: Sometimes when I'm walking on my leash, I just start to pull and pull, even though the collar chokes me and I can hardly breathe. It doesn't matter how many times my master yanks me back. I just can't help myself, even though I know it's wrong. That's how I feel about Anne Hathaway.

Angelina Jolie: The Changeling: Angelina Jolie would give me treats. I would hear the cupboard door open and I would come running because that's where the treats are. She wouldn't say, " No. You're a bad dog. No treats for you." She would give me treats. I would lick her face and she would lick mine.

Melissa Leo: Frozen River: Melissa Leo gives a nuanced performance that at once expresses vulnerability and grit, stubbornness and despera - LOOK, A CAT! WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF!

Meryl Streep: Doubt: I got so excited watching this performance that they had to put me in the cage. Meryl Streep makes me a bad dog.

Kate Winslet: The Reader: Kate Winslet is not very big and she is naked and vulnerable. I would bite her in a heartbeat.

And the Oscar goes to...

Kate Winslet. And then when she's not looking, I jump up and grab the Oscar off her shelf and run with it behind the chair that I always run behind. She'll never find me there!

BEST PICTURE

The Reader:: It's about books. I love books. I eat five books a day.

Milk:: I like milk. I dragged a whole carton of milk out of the fridge and ripped it open and licked it all up. No one knows how I got the fridge open. And they call me stupid!

Frost/Nixon: I just piddled again.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: This movie is garbage. I love garbage!

Slumdog Millionaire: Dog? Where? Where's the dog? I want to meet the dog. Look at me wake my owners up at 4 a.m. to tell them about the dog.

And the Oscar goes to...

Marley and Me. This decision is just like me: a no-brainer.

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