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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.01.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

My favorite April Fool's carol: "God Jest Thee, Merry Gentlemen"

We get so busy during the hectic April Fool's season, what with all the April Fool's shopping and the baking of the traditional April Fool's schnitzel, that sometimes we forget the true meaning of April Fool's Day: spending time with friends and loved ones and making them look stupid.

Oh, how we wish we could see April Fool's Day again through the eyes of a child.

Remember running downstairs to open your April Fool's presents - the joy buzzers, the plastic vomit, the spring-loaded cans of cashews?

Or the wonder of being able to convince your little brother that there was indeed a moose on the lawn? Or how your teachers persuaded you through gritted teeth that April Fool's Day, in fact, officially ended at noon?

Remember when "irony" was what you said to complain to your mom that your shirts were too smooth, as in "I can't wear this, Mom; it's too irony"? Me neither.

So on this, April Fool's Eve, as you bask in the glow of family warmth and whoopee cushions, allow me to offer you some ideas and tips on making all your April Fool's schemes come true.

- Phone a drug store and ask, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" When they say they do, add, "How can you sleep at night selling such poison? You're going to burn in hell."

- Find a striking university student and tell them that, while the Quebec government has cut $103 million in student bursaries, it is offering $350 million in financial support to privately-owned corporate-welfare addict Bombardier. The student will laugh and laugh and laugh.

- Write the following letter to The Sherbrooke Record: "Re same-sex marriage: Could you folks please leave Me out of it? Thanks a bunch. Signed, God."

- Gather your kids around the breakfast table and say, "Children, Mom and Dad are getting a divorce. Ha-ha-ha! April Fool's! No really, we are."

- Tell your coworkers that you're suffering from a new strain of hospital-acquired infection: C Somewhat-Difficile.

- Did you hear the federal government is planning to introduce a ban on Trans Am fats?

- Spread a rumour that Shania Twain spreads Bag Balm on toast. Then step back and watch the gooey fun.

- You heard it in the news: The Town of Asbestos, concerned about the negative connotations of its name, has decided to rename itself "Anthrax."

- Before you perform any prank, ask yourself one question: Is the insurance paid up?

- Go out of province, cut out paper fish, and slap them on the back of unsuspecting victims. Watch the ensuing hilarity as your fellow Canadians enjoy this wry joke from la belle province. Better yet, get a federal grant to do this in the name of spreading Quebecois culture to the rest of Canada. Seriously, they can't wait to give the money away.

- Stuffed cat in the microwave, spiders in the office-supply drawer, pudding in the CD drive, cartridge toner in the coffee - there's no end of fun you can have with your co-workers. They'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

- Use the word "pickle" as often as possible.

- Tell you're companion, "I'm feeling a little light-headed," then use your sophisticated invisible crane apparatus to deftly float away.

- Don't wait until the last minute to purchase your python; the shops always run out quickly.

- Severed limbs are always funny.

- If there's a toddler in the house, teach her to count this way: "One, toodle, treehouse, forage, five, six, stubby, agate, nine, tenissimo." The merriment never ends.

- Wish everyone you see a Happy April Floss Day.

Look! There's a moose on the lawn!

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