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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.06.09
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Serious injuries at April Fool's Day festivities

MONTREAL (Rooters) | Hundreds were injured and scores more were considerably put out recently during one of the most violent and discombobulating April Fool's Days in recent memory.

While no deaths were reported, there were countless incidents of people in stitches, and even more cases of split sides.

"Laugh? I nearly died," said Candace Mitty of Kansas City whose husband ushered in April Fool's Day by hiding a rubber snake inside her box of Special K.

Witnesses reported milk shooting out of victims' noses and several cases of laugher-induced bladder leakage. While these particular incidents did not cause physical damage, health officials are cautiously gauging whether there will be any psychological fallout.

"You know, wetting yourself laughing, that's not something you get over quickly. I should know," said a doctor with Médecins Sans Underwear, who spoke on condition of animosity.

The infoolenza pandemic appeared to be worldwide. In Pamplupa, Spain, twenty-seven people were injured at the annual Running of the Bull. Always a dangerous event due to the unpredictability of the tall tales exchanged by participants, this year's edition was particularly destructive due to a convincing yet implausible story of former US President George W. Bush heading out on a book tour.

"It was horrible," said one victim, suffering from a fractured funny bone. "Someone read a chapter entitled, 'Good Stuff, Yeah, I Did That,' and no one could tell if it was a joke or not. It was too much, too much..."

The victims suffered complications when they were shown actual evidence that Bush had in fact signed a memoir deal worth $7 million. The laughter was reportedly bitter.

In Pastafazoola, Italy, fighting broke out in front of the Palagio Del Yukas Ethnicos (Palace of the Ethnic Joke) between April Fool's Day celebrants and devotees of St. Stiffius, the patron saint of taking things way too seriously, whose feast day also happens to fall on April 1. The St. Stiffians chanted, "Whassamatta for you?" In response, the Foolagios flung pizzas.

All along America's so-called Slapstick Belt, there was a rash of banana peel injuries. There was also a rash of itching powder rashes.

In Pensecocacola, Florida, ten teenagers were rushed to the hospital when a worker with the US Democratic Party tricked them into thinking that President Barack Obama had turned their water into wine. Instead, the youngsters ended up drinking the bitter dregs of cynical disillusionment. By US federal law, this beverage should not be available until at least after the first one hundred days of presidency.

Canada suffered more than its share of April Fool's Day injuries this year. The reasons for this aren't exactly clear. However, some analysts are suggesting that, based on how offended Canadians were by some lame-brained, late-night Fox News show's cracks about Canada's military in Afghanistan, Canadians may have entirely lost their sense of humour.

Joy-buzzer overdoses in Brazil; protests in Sweden by members of PETRuC (People for the Ethical Treatment of Rubber Chickens); citizens reacting to the "your shoe's untied" gag with sneaker rage - what was it about April Fool's Day in 2009 that made it so volatile?

"We're definitely in uncertain times," said Dr. Jenga Solomon of the Institute of Uncertain Studies in Whaterloo, Ontario and author of the book How to Stretch One Thought Into a 10,000 Word Doctoral Thesis! "We don't know whether to laugh or cry, fight or flee, pay or stay, juggle or snuggle, snicker or bicker, pitter or patter, Mutt or Jeff, frank or beans, for here or to go. We're definitely in uncertain times."

Gion Pamache of the Academy of Gagology in Swithenham, England, put it more succinctly:

"It's because of the economy," he said. "Now pull my finger."

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