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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.04.06
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

April: So Special and So Now

We have a busy month ahead of us, people, and there's no shortage of events, attitudes, and objects to commemorate and/or celebrate. It's best to be prepared to ensure you have the appropriate attire and know the anthem. Here is a sample of what lies ahead:

April 1: April Fool's Day

Break out the rubber chickens. Teachers around the world rejoice the fact that this year the holiday falls on a Saturday.

April 2: Salute to Spitting

Sure, it's gross but not everyone can launch a loogie clear across the road. A day to honour those who can.

Ever since those silly tuberculosis scares way back when, people have been discouraged from spitting, resulting in generations of people who end up with dribble on their shoes when they try to clear their mouth of something yucky.

Coinciding with the opening of the Major League Baseball season, Salute to Spitting Day celebrates the dying art of a well-aimed horker. Go shopping for a spittoon. Festoon your spittoon. With balloons. Protest your local grocery store for selling seedless watermelons. Sing the Belgium national anthem in Flemish. Remember: Gob is Good.

April 5: Hop On One Foot Day

An underappreciated cardio workout.

April 6: Hop On The Other Foot Day

Kind of makes sense when you think about it.

April 13: Melon-Baller Day

The unsung hero of culinary arts, the melon-baller was invented on this day in 1846 by Lady Augustina of Dungbeetle who believed that "fruit should ideally be served as a spheroid, reflecting the perfection of the cosmos and my husband Lord Dungbeetle's thyroidal eyes."

Beyond making cocktail parties just so, the melon-baller has a noble history. For instance, in 1915, Canadian troops at the Battle of Ypres held off German forces with melon-ballers that had been shipped to the front on the ill-conceived notion that the trenches were teeming with fresh fruit.

Inspired by the battle, John McCrae's original version of "In Flanders Field" read "Take up our quarrel with the foe: / To you from failing hands we throw / The melon-baller; be yours to hold it high," but it didn't scan.

April 14-16

Apparently a holy period in some cultures having to do with eggs, chocolate, and rabbits, which if you ask me is not a very appetizing combination.

April 17-24

Nothing special. Quite a dull week, actually.

April 25: Renee Zellweger born this day 1969

Find someone else who shares this date of birth and force them to say "You had me at 'happy birthday.'" Then make them gain 20 pounds.

April 26: Union Day, Tanzania

Watch one of those wacky Looney Tunes with Bugs Bunny and the Tanzanian Devil. He cracks me up!

April 27: De-mail Day

Can you do it? Can you go a day without using email, compulsively checking for messages every five minutes until it becomes some kind of all-possessing sickness that makes you crave "FW:FW:FW:THIS IS HILARIOUS!" emails from fellow addicts who you never speak to but know only through badly spelled correspondence and ;-) smilies that are, like, so 2001, and yet they are the only people you have any kind of relationship with because you no longer know how to pick up a phone or have a conversation because you may actually have to "laugh out loud" and not just pretend to "LOL" behind the safe anonymity of your computer screen, ultimately wasting your employer's times and valuable bandwidth with your pathetic asocial dependency? Well, can you? CAN YOU? I know I can't.

April 28: National Talk Like A Superhero In Jeopardy Day

Must... celebrate!!! Can't… let… crackpot… special interest… go… unrecognized!!!

April 30: Take A Newspaper Columnist To Lunch Day

I love April.

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