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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 08.06.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Hats off to ball cap wearers. No, seriously.

Attention ball cap wearers:

First some observations, then I'll get to the rules.

I'm talking specifically to you adolescent males but the following applies pretty much to everyone: Your ball cap is dorky.

I know (especially you boys) you think your ball cap is cool and the source of all your power, kind of like that cheesy mustache you're attempting to grow. But you're wrong.

You don't look cool, you don't look street, you don't like a SK8er-dude-punk-whatever.

You look like someone we - and by "we" I mean everyone over 30, especially those of us with teenage daughters who see you lurking around with your smirks and your leers and your chimp-like slouches and hormonal urges and your stupid, stupid ball caps - like someone we would like to hit with our cars.

Not hurt seriously, just graze slightly, enough at least to knock off the ball cap.

One ball cap we can maybe handle. But when we see a pack of you, we know that you may have several heads but are sharing one brain.

If this wasn't already obvious - what with the droopy pants and all - it is made clearer by the fact that most of you are wearing ball caps purchased from "edgy" stores that specialize in "urban" fashion and "streetwear." This is code for "cheaply made" and "overpriced."

You should know, for instance, that the "DC" on that $50 ball cap someone in China was paid a penny to make is actually an abbreviation for "dumb consumer." "Billabong" is a Maori word meaning "sucker."

You should also know that wearing corporate skater fashion won't make you a better skateboarder. It won't make you look like a rebel. It will make you look like a dork.

And while it's true that, despite your ball caps, you are seemingly - one might say amazingly - winning girls of above-average attractiveness (girls who certainly would have been out of my league when I was your age, not that I'm bitter), you should know that those girls really aren't that bright. And they're actually laughing at you. And they're stealing your money.

Quite frankly, we're sick of your ball caps. And so these are the rules:

1. You may wear a ball cap only if

a) you are actually playing baseball;

b) you are under 12 or over 65;

c) you are a farmer (hat must display a farm equipment logo);

d) you are being paid to promote whatever brand is depicted on your cap;

e) you are Michael Moore.

2. Exceptions to the above are if

a) you are having a bad hair day (this must be demonstrated upon request; the bad hair must be a pre-existing condition and not caused by said ball cap);

b) you are embarrassed about losing your hair (remaining hair must be no longer than shoulder length; the Kim Mitchell look isn't good on anyone, not even Kim Mitchell);

c) you are protecting yourself from the sun.

3. In the case of 2c, the hat must be on straight, with the bill squarely aligned with the front of your face so as to provide adequate shade. It must not be backwards, sideways, sort of sideways or perched just so. To heck with it, let's just say:

4. Ball caps must be worn properly at all times.

5. Ball caps are not winter wear.

6. You must remove the ball cap while

a) inside (including restaurant, theatre, church, school);

b) on a date;

c) lurking, skulking, loitering and/or prowling;

d) in my presence.

Violators of the above rules will be photographed wearing their dorky ball cap. This photo will then follow the perpetrator for the remainder of their lives, especially when applying for jobs or trying to impress sophisticated women, who will pull out the incriminating photo and say, "Uh, what were you thinking, dork?"

That's it. Next week we'll look at guidelines for expanding your vocabulary beyond the F-word.

Thank you for your attention.

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