ROSS MURRAY

Canada vs. US: Let's put it to a vote

STANSTEAD, QC | Election fever. Can you feel it? It's like most fevers: accompanied by nausea, disorientation, and an overwhelming sense of doom.

As happens from time to time, Canada and the United States have election campaigns going on at the same time. So, grab your mug of hot tea and a couple of Advils and let's compare the two, shall we?

In the United States, the presidential election is held every four years on the Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In Canada, there is no fixed date for the federal election. Wait, yes there is. No there isn't. Is there? I'm so confused...

In the United States, the date of the election is cemented in constitutional law.

In Canada, an election is called when the prime minister seeks permission to dissolve parliament from an essentially powerless governor-general who is a representative of an essentially powerless queen who pops over for a visit every five years or so.

In the United States, citizens vote directly for their head of state. Well, sort of.

In Canada, citizens don't vote for their head of state because she's that there queen again! Instead, Canadians vote for a party and/or local candidate and hope for the best that the party leader isn't a shmuck. Recent history has proven this isn't always the case.

In the United States, this year's presidential choices are a charismatic activist-turned-senator and a former POW-turned-senator. And, oh yeah, Ralph Nader.

In Canada, the prime ministerial choices are the nerd and the turd, and shifty and lefty. And, oh yeah, there's that Green leader all the others tried to muzzle: May-Not.

In the United States, if Barack Obama wins, he will become the first black president.

In Canada, if Stéphane Dion's Liberals win, he will become the first translucent prime minister.

In the United States, some voters worry that electing John McCain will be a continuation of the Bush legacy.

In Canada, some voters worry that electing Stephen Harper will be a continuation of the Bush legacy.

In the United States, Barrack Obama has been accused of being a celebrity.

In Canada, former MP Belinda Stronach was sort of a celebrity, but she's not running in this election. For either side.

In the United States, the election will be decided over the economy, Iraq, immigration and security, an election fraught with a combination of anger, pride, betrayal and patriotism.

In Canada: carbon tax.

In the United States, voters are hoping their candidate will inspire a decisive victory.

In Canada, voters are hoping to form another minority government in order to keep the Conservative's conservative agenda in check until the Liberals can at least find a leader who inspires more than yawns.

In the United States, vice-presidential candidates can sometimes come across as uncharismatic, nondescript afterthoughts.

In Canada, all party leaders seem like vice-presidential candidates.

In the United States, Democratic candidate Barack Obama was recently described by People magazine as having a "terrific beach bod!"

In Canada, Conservative leader Stephan Harper was recently seen sporting a sweater vest.

In the United States, the senior's-discount-earning McCain has tried to counter his crusty image by picking a perky, young-ish mom/governor as his running mate.

In Canada, Stephan Harper was recently seen sporting a sweater vest.

In the United States, Obama once spoke out against eighth grade graduation ceremonies.

In Canada, the House of Parliament is eighth grade.

So which election is better?

Oh, there's no question that the U.S. election is the greater spectacle. But as a fan of unfortunate typos and tasteless puns, I'm thinking of all the fun Canadians could have with the phrase "Green Shift."