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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 06.29.04
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Which side are you on, les boys?

STANSTEAD, QC | Quebec is going through a period of relative cultural peace. Kind of dull, isn't it? The only people talking about sovereignty these days are blowhard-liners who worry about English-only toys at Zellers.

At the other extreme, even Alliance Quebec is too busy squabbling among themselves to be outraged by anything other than Brent Tyler's goatee.

This just won't do. To not be squabbling is to see the erosion of our identities as Quebecers. Divided we stand, united we're dull.

And so, in the days of our provincial 'national' and national 'national' holidays, it's time to find out whether you're an "us" or a "them":

1. I am…
a) un/une citoyen/citoyenne et Québécois/Québécoise ('sti!)
b) a Quebecer
c) a Canadian
d) outta here.

2. Complete the following phrase: "Mon pays ce n'est pas un pays, c'est…"
a) domage
b) l'hiver
c) liver
d) Westmount

3. Quebec's French television networks are…
a) our sovereign right as a collectivity to diffuse information that reflects our people and our culture without the taint of imperialist Canadiana.
b) an opportunity to witness news and information from a francophone perspective.
c) where you find "Bleu Nuit" on Saturday nights.
d) the channels my remote is programmed to automatically skip.

4. I believe that Quebec sovereignty is…
a) an inalienable right.
b) an unrealized dream.
c) a distraction in the long-term good governance of this province.
d) toast! (That's right, Jean-Pierre-Philippe-Sébastien, we won twice! We won twice! Eat federalism, dude!)

5. In our federal election, I'm voted…
a) for no one; the federalist system is a sham and a humiliation.b) Liberal; I believe the party has the best blueprint for a unified Canada.
c) Conservative; they won't take no guff from Quebec!
d) Bloc Québécois; as long as Gilles "I, Robot" Duceppe is the face of sovereignty, the national unity is secure.

6. I believe Prime Minister Paul Martin is…
a) a continuance of our ongoing humiliation as a people.
b) just another sop to the federalist regime in Ottawa.
c) a voice of reason in the ongoing Canada/Quebec dichotomy.
d) probably responsible for the REAL sponsorship scandal - spending any money at all to keep Quebec in Canada!

7. Garou is…
a) a proud example of our cultural strength as a collectivity.
b) a popular Québécois rock star.
c) someone I've seen on the cover of those French supermarket tabloids that I never buy.
d) something you spread on toast.

8. Quebec is the birthplace of…
a) civilization in North America.
b) hockey.
c) righteous indignation
d) my ulcer.

9. "Vivre le Québec…
a) libre."
b) ivre."
c) liver."
d) Liberal."

10. You are at a restaurant and are served in English only. You…
a) complain to the manager about this insult to the collectivité Québécois, organize a boycott of the restaurant, and speak wistfully to your comrades about mailbox bombings of yore.
b) speak in French anyway and leave a lousy tip.
c) say, "Oh my, what a relief," engage in small talk with the charming waitress, and leave a fantastic tip.
d) are on the West Island.

Results

Seven or more a's: What are you doing. reading this English magazine? Why is this English webrage even allowed to exist? Immediately write a complaining letter-to-the-editor to a French daily near you as an antidote to this contamination/humiliation.

Seven or more b's: You are a Quebecer who believes in the sovereignty of this country-to-be - as long as you can keep wintering in Florida.

Seven 7 or more c's: You arrange your schedule so that you work on St-Jean Baptiste Day.

Seven or more d's: You're actually an Albertan.

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