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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 08.25.11
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

I smell errata

My column about the futility of lawn care ("Look out back in anger") made the baseless claim that Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's stand on climate change had caused my grass to turn brown. Moreover, the author's tone was unjustifiably snippy. We apologize for the allegation and graciously ask the Conservative Party to call off its lawyers.

In my recent report on the city's plans to take over operation of all downtown fruit stands ("Mayor's bananas, vendors say), our reporter misheard His Worship. The word he actually used was "spurn." We apologize for the terrible shock caused to Mrs. Rubinek of Barnston, Quebec, and hope she will reconsider cancelling her subscription.

Also in Monday's edition, our report on the desperate search by St. Paul's the Apostrophe Church to find a new minister ("Church files missing parsons report") mistakenly transcribed the acronym "WWJD" as "What Would Jesus Drive?" It stands, of course, for "What Would J-Lo Do?" We regret the error.

Wednesday's "Pets on Parade" page contained a photo of a dog that was in poor taste and not suitable for a family newspaper. We regret the terrier.

We apologize for the flippant use of the term "wee hours of the morning" to describe the timing of last Tuesday's highway accident involving a Cuisinart delivery truck ("Three hurt in blender fender bender"), understanding that the phrase "wee hours" should be used only in association with stories involving leprechauns.

Last week's restaurant review of the new Waffle Hut ("We've had batter") referred to the Forked-Over Breakfast Platter as tasting like "grilled radial tire." This was an error. In fact, the platter recalled the taste of burnt cotton balls and the tang of rancid vinegar. We are filled with remorse for the misconception.

Wednesday's report of flash flooding at the Whispering Franchises Shopping Centre ("'Cleanup in Aisle 3...'") stated that two "ladies" were swept away by the department store deluge and later retrieved in men's undergarments. We, of course, should not have referred to the two individuals using this gender-biased term. The correct term is "female bipeds." We are sick with self-reproach.

Due to a typographical error, Saturday's science column ("Me no want-um quantum") referred to pi to the tenth decimal place as 3.1415916535. It is, of course, 3.1415926535. Thank you to Stanley Toll of Ascot for pointing out the error, and good luck to him in his quest to get a life.

Yesterday's weather forecast should have read "cloudy with sunny periods" not "sunny with cloudy periods." We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience caused.

A series of unfortunate typing errors in our classified advertising section this week left the impression that the city was opening up zoning throughout all districts to allow the unlimited establishment of dépanneurs. We sincerely apologize for any convenience stores.

During that summer after our first year of university, we told Christine MacFarlane we had to break up with her because we wanted to focus on our music. In fact, it was the way she incessantly chewed watermelon bubblegum that pushed us over the edge. We apologize for the deception. Also for breaking up with her over the telephone.

Although we have been listening to Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" for many years, we only recently realized that the title of the album has nothing to do with railroads. We sheepishly admit to this lack of insight.

The time on our watch has been 1 minute and 13 seconds fast for the past week. We have corrected the inaccuracy.

Due to an unhealthy obsession by the managing editor, tomorrow's edition will include nothing but photographs of the late French chanteuse Edith Piaf. Non, nous ne regrettons rien.

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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