Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 04.05.10
Stanstead, Quebec


Ah double-dares ya to cross this street!

Top secret memo from the office of US Border Patrol Master Control, Folderol, NH:

Dear fellow Guardians of Security, Sovereignty, and Side Streets,

I am pleased to report that Operation Window Dressing at Derby Line, Vermont/Stanstead, Qweebec is unfolding as planned. We have successfully fomented a climate of fear and anxiety in the community through our vigilant efforts to thwart the pernicious crime of not entering the United States where we say so.

To date at the Church Street crossing, we have detained and/or arrested seventeen senior citizens, nine lost tourists, one confused eight-year-old, and a little dog named Timmy. Many of those apprehended claimed they were on their way to report to US Customs when they were detained. But that's just what a terrorist would claim, isn't it?

We have consistently pointed out to these scofflaws that there is an obvious sign stating that they must not enter the United States on this street. All they need to do is cross the border, get out of their car, walk up to the sign and lean in very closely to read the small print. Is that so hard? Is that asking too much? I think not.

Despite our efforts and the clear common sense in shutting off what I like to call The Alleyway of Ill Will, we continue to meet resistance from locals.

You may have heard on the news about Derby Line pharmacist Roland "Buzz" Roy, whom we arrested for attempting to illegally transport a pizza across foreign lines. He, unfortunately, is challenging the charge - a shameless waste of American Justice System time and resources when really he should just shut-up and do as he's told.

We feel confident that we will have no problem winning this case, if not for the sound legal footing we find ourselves on then for the case we can build against this seditious sexagenarian's character. He is, after all, a pharmacist. What do pharmacists deal in? Drugs, people! They don't call him "Buzz" for nothing! I remind you that there's a War on Drugs. There's also a War on Terror. There's a war on Terrorists with Drugs! There's a War on Seniors with Pizzas! And all of them, they're all after our Precious Bodily Fluids.

Courage, my fellow Safeguarders of Sacred Sovereignty. Do not let down your guard. We must keep an American Eagle Eye on this small street. I remind you of our three-fold objective:

1. Shut down the Haskell Free Library. By doing so, we will deny citizens access to books, which, as we all know, are full of ideas about freedom and liberty and notions of non-conformity, none of which can lead to any good. Our efforts in discouraging people from coming anywhere near the border is certainly helping us meet this goal. We will also be sending a thank you note to the Mayor of Stanstead for aiding us by putting up the barrier on Church Street. However, fewer people accidentally crossing the border means fewer arrests, which is no fun at all.

2. Drive a wedge between Canadian and American neighbours. We are doing this to protect our fellow US citizens. Canada is no friend to America. I mean, did you see that gold medal game? And it's working. Look how few Canadians came out to the Pinko-Commie demonstration at the border last Saturday. They obviously don't care.

3. Stop illegal activity along the border. By continuing to harass innocent, law-abiding citizens, all those illegal immigrants and drug-runners and anthrax-carrying ne'er-do-wells will surely think twice about skipping across the border through the miles and miles of unprotected woods and cow fields. Can't you just see them shaking in Los Boots?

Keep up the great job, my colleagues. Operation Window Dressing is only the beginning. After all, if people are constantly looking over their shoulder, they won't see what's coming.