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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 11.07.04
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Dear Dubya: No hard feelings, right?

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your victory. We all knew it would be a close one but thank goodness enough American people went with their baser instincts for you to win the Electoral College.

I fully understand.

Life is high school and when you're in high school and you're worried about getting beaten up walking home from school, the best course of action is to befriend a thug, even if that thug occasionally shuts you in your locker for an indefinite period and for no apparent reason.

You must have been worried there for a while, especially at the end. Mr. Kerry was posing with rifles for to go a-huntin' (I believe he was a-cussin' too). Then he was stumping with Bill Clinton (whose heart problems, you know, are the result of his chosen "lifestyle"). And then the Red Sox won the Series, which certainly seemed to be a pro-Massachusetts sign from God.

But you pulled it off, this time without the Supreme Court. Now you can actually say you were elected! It must feel good to finally have democracy on your side. Take THAT, Michael Moore! And Daddy!

I was impressed how you kept your cool throughout the campaign. Very presidential! Oh sure, there were the lies and insinuations and evasions and dirty tricks. But you were just following orders, right? Hey, don't shoot the messenger. Shoot Karl Rove.

I think you showed your finest in the debates. But, boy, it's a good thing you don't drink any more. If you'd been on the sauce, those debates might have gotten out of hand.

"I'm gonna come over there and wipe that smug look off yer face!" you might have said to John Kerry. Then blammo!

How cool would that have been?

But then you would have had to put up with those silly headlines from the Liberal media like "Bush Whacked (Hard)" and "AmBUSHed" and "If Bush Were a Dog, He'd Have To Be Put Down." And then you'd be force to watch the video footage over and over again. It would be just like the Zapruder film, except, of course, without the flying brain matter. Or brains.

So four more years. Wow! I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive the people of Canada and virtually every other nation that was cringing in anticipation of your win.

I hope, too, you will find it in your heart to overlook some of the terribly nasty things we called you, you know, like "war-mongering ninny," "dangerous gunslinger," "not the freshest pretzel in the bag," "narrow-minded, pig-headed, trigger-happy puppet," and "meany." We meant it in the good sense.

Besides, once Iraq settles down - and, oh yes, we're confident that it will now that the campaign is out of the way and you can implement that clear and effective exit strategy you've had up your sleeve all this time; sorry about all the dead soldiers - you'll be looking for other dangerous regimes to topple. Don't want you to be tempted by Canada. Yes, yes, I know we're quasi-socialist and half French but rest assured, Canada has plenty French-hating red-necks just like you.

In fact, I invite you to visit Canada and experience it for yourself. You might even want to purchase a little something on Lake Memphremagog. This lake is home to the province's elite who have driven out all the middle-income people, tear around the lake on noisy high-speed boats, build monstrous homes, and develop the shoreline with no care whatsoever for the environment. You'll feel right at home.

After all, you'll be looking for a place to retire to in four years (unless, of course, your administration determines at the time that the global situation is too unstable for an election and suspends the constitution to keep you in power until Jenna and/or Barbara are ready to run). You can spend your golden years up here hobnobbing, fishing and looking for weapons of bass destruction.

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