DEC
2018
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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 12.29.11
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

The Year of the Dog

Due to the recent poultry trauma suffered by our regular columnist, this week's proceedings have been turned over to the family dog.

dog

Hello! Hello, hello! I am excited. I am excited to help the Man. I am excited like when the giblets went everywhere. I licked giblets off the Man's face! It was a good day.

Hello!

The Man wants me to talk about the Year. He says people like to talk about time like it has a beginning and an end. I do not think that time has a beginning and an end. A bag of dog food has a beginning and an end. I am sad when the bag of dog food ends. But then there is another bag and I am happy again. I like dog food!

I will tell you about the Year. It was snow. Then it wasn't. Then it was hot. I was so hot. And then it was snow again.

The Man is telling me I am doing it wrong. He is telling me to think about the Year. I am thinking about the Year. I am thinking about the Year and the new squeaky pig that came from the shiny tree in the house. I like the tree. I will get the squeaker out of that pig!

This is what I think about the Year: It was a bad Year. If the Year came to my house, I would growl at it. Grrrr! I would not be friendly at all. But when the Year told me to come, I would sit my bum on the floor and pull myself over with my front legs because I have to do what the Year says and I am afraid what it will do to my bum.

Here is what happened: There was an earthquake that made a lot of water. Whoosh! People ran. But they were not fast enough. Even many dogs were not fast enough. This is sad. And then there was radiation. Bad, radiation! For many days, people worried about this a lot. Worry, worry. Everybody was going to worry about this for a long t... -- ooh look! Lady Gaga all shiny!

People were outside a lot in the Year. All over the world, people stood in streets and parks getting fresh air and making lots of noise. A party! I like parties. I would like to be with the people outside. I would jump on them and bark. Look, the soldiers and police are jumping on them too! They are having so much fun.

There were many bad men in the Year. They had funny names. Osama Bin Laden, Muammar Gadhafi, Hosni Mubarak, Kim Jong-Il, Herman Cain. These bad men went away. Everyone was happy. Everyone was happy when they watched the man named Gadhafi go away. They got the squeaker out of him for sure!

Let me tell you about the garbage. I am bad when I go in the garbage. I go to the garbage even though there is nothing good there because the good things are all in the brown container where I cannot reach. But I go in the garbage because I think there may be something good. I sometimes find a small thing that is good but it is mostly things I do not want. It is not worth it because the Man gets mad, but I cannot stop myself. This is what entertainment was like in the Year.

Now I am thinking about sports. Bonk! That is the sound of players getting hit on the head. I hit my head a lot. The Man throws the squeaky pig and, bonk!, I run into a door. But I am okay. People are different. They hurt their brains when they get hit on the head. "Bonk! I cannot play." "Bonk! Jesus helped me score this touchdown." "Bonk! The Canadiens coach must speak French."

When I go outside, I bark. I do not even think about what I am barking at. I hear a sound and I bark. A person walks by and I bark. Is it a good person or a bad person? I do not care. I bark. The Man comes out and tells me to shut up. This is what political discourse was like in the Year.

Mostly people are angry because they are worried. They are worried they won't have any money or a voice or a place to live or food to eat. People feel this way all the time in the world but this time it is more important because it is white people.

I am tired of the Year. I will sleep now. I am a good dog.

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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