DEC
2018
   LOG CABIN CHRONICLES    UPDATED
DAILY

Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
spacer
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 07.13.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Egg on our collective face, eh?

PODGORICA, MONTENEGRO | With the success of last weekend's Live Earth, several other global concerts-for-a-cause are in the works.

The first to emerge is Live Egg, scheduled to take place in Europe and North America October 12, World Egg Day.

Russian pop star Sergei Gudonoff, the self-proclaimed "egghead" behind the concert, announced the concert at a press conference Tuesday.

Under a banner that read "This Is No Yolk!" Gudonoff said he chose World Egg Day to make a statement against the powerful International Egg Commission, which he claims exists to promote egg dependency and over-consumption.

"It's time to crack the silence surrounding global ovacide," he said. "Every egg is a potential living, breathing, clucking chicken. Every morning, billions of people are tucking into a breakfast of bacon and death. We must spread the message: We all have blood on our hands and egg on our face."

Gudonoff has recruited musicians and celebrities from around the world to participate in Live Egg, with the main concerts taking place in Egg, Switzerland and in tiny Truro, Nova Scotia, whose population holds the honour as North America's largest egg consumer, somehow managing to eat a dozen eggs per person per day.

"We do not want to shame the people of Truro," said Gudonoff. "They are merely pawns to the mighty egg cartel. But, honestly, people: a dozen eggs?"

Gudonoff said he hatched the idea for Live Egg while poaching an egg two years ago. The runny egg white in the water seemed to spell out "Help me" (although in times of self-doubt he has suggested that it may have actually spelled out "Heinz 57").

Several acts have signed up for the October 12 concert. The highlight, said Gudonoff, will be an appearance by Bob Dylan with the band The Beaters performing "I Shell Be Released."

The band Crowded House is also expected to reunite to perform their hit "Don't Dream It's Ova."

Ben Affleck will be on hand to perform soliloquies from Omelet.

Performances will be limited to five minutes each in honour of those eggs that have fallen victim to the kitchen timer.

Gudonoff was joined at Tuesday's press conference by actress Minnie Driver, who said, "It's an inconvenient truth that eggs are people, too." She then spontaneously broke into the following rap:

"Don't know much 'bout cholesterol
Just know eggs are best of all
Hens lay 'em,
We betray 'em
See my new film out this fall."

Driver later confessed that she had been "a bit fried" at the press conference.

There is already some controversy surrounding Live Egg in that it has been scheduled on the same day as a global concert in support of poultry - Chickenpalooza, with headliners the Dixie Chicks and the Buzzcocks.

"We came first," Gudonoff argued.

Live Egg will be broadcast via satellite (scrambled for non-subscribers) and recorded for a CD to be entitled The White Albumen.

Another global entertainment event planned in the coming months is Live Firth, which will see the films of Colin Firth played simultaneously on screens in seventeen countries.

"He's the modern-day Laurence Harvey," said Cecilia Graham, president of the Firth First Fan Club. "We've got Apartment Zero in Rio and Bridget Jones' Diary in Delhi!"

The World Anti-Abortion Association (WAAA) is in the midst of organizing a global concert of its own called Live Live.

"It's pronounced 'live liv,' as in 'I live in a constant state of anxiety,' not 'Live from New York.' I guess we didn't really think that through," said spokesbeing John Handam. "But the show's going to rock!"

Meanwhile, organizers of Live Bait say they may have to cancel their concert because they haven't been able to lure any performers.

HOME   COLUMNS   FEATURES   FICTION   OPINION   POETRY   PHOTOGRAPHY