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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 07.13.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Family DVD Night or "No, YOU pass the popcorn!"

The following is a transcript of a typical DVD-rental night in the Murray house. Present are two adults and four children, the youngest of which probably shouldn't be watching this selection anyway since it's PG13 but hopefully she's too young to be scarred by it.

8:10 - Now showing…

"What did you get?"
"A movie."
"No, what movie?"
"A good one."
"Dad!"
"I got [something incredibly mediocre but the only DVD passably suitable for family viewing]."
"Oh no, not that one."
"Well, we don't have to watch it."
"No, I want to."

8:20 - The calling of the chairs

"I call the blue chair!"
"No, I called it before."
"I'm beside Dad on the sofa."
"No, no one's beside me on the sofa because I call the blue chair."

8:25 - The search for the remote

"It's got to be around here somewhere. We just had it."
"Someone's probably sitting on it. Check the cushions."
"I found it."
"Where was it?"
"In the kitchen on top of the bread box."

8:35 - Snack run, Part 1

"Wait. Can I make popcorn?"
"I don't want popcorn. Can I have chips?"
"Can I have Pepsi?"
"No caffeine. You can have ginger ale."
"Kate, will you bring me some?"
"Why should I? You wouldn't pour me any yesterday."
"Come on!"
"You're getting up to make popcorn anyway."
"But Dad didn't say yes yet."
"Yes, you can have popcorn. Just hurry up."

8:40 - Previews

"Cool. I want to see that."
"I want to see that."
"There's no way you're seeing that."

8:45 - And we begin…

"I don't get it. What's happening? Who's that?"
"Watch the movie and find out."
"Can I get more ginger ale?"
"Kate, can you get me some more too?"
"Aaargh! Go! Get what you need and hurry back."

8:50 - Movie back on

"That was my spot."
"You got up."
"Just sit, you two."
"Fine, I'll sit on the floor."
"Oh, I know that guy. He's the one from that commercial. What's it for? Oh, Em, you know the one."
"Yeah, yeah. When he does that thing."
"Quiet!"

9:15 - Serious character exposition, fraught with silent tension

"Rustle, rustle, crunch, crunch, rustle, rustle."
"James! Enough chips already. All I can hear is you chewing."
"But I've hardly had any!"
"I don't care."
"Will everyone just be quiet."

9:28 - Dazzling state-of-the-art special effects

"Oh, that's so fake. You can tell it's computer."
"I know, really."
"Geez, you guys. Of course it's fake. It's a movie. Why do you always have to point it out, 'Ew, it's fake, Ew, it's fake...'"
"The next person who talks is going to their room!"

9:35 - Sudden gratuitous violence

"Deb, what's this thing rated again?"
"Kate, are you okay?"
"Yeah, is there going to be a lot of that?"
"I don't think Abby should be watching this?"
"She's almost asleep."
"That was cool. Can we rewind?"
"No!"

9:52 - Major plot twist

"What did he say?"
"I don't know because someone was chewing too loudly."
"Do you people want to watch this movie or not?"
"Rewind, rewind!"

10:01 - Extended dialogue

"Em's hogging."
"I am not. I have as much room as you do. It's because James has the pillow beside him."
"I've been like this the whole movie!"
"All I know is that if you guys don't stop fidgeting I'm turning this off."
"Gee, Dad, why are you so grumpy?"
"I'm just trying to watch the bloody movie!"

10:15 - Five minutes before exciting climax

"I betcha they switched the bags."
"Kate! If you've figured out the ending, keep it to yourself."

10:16 - Four minutes before exciting climax

"Can we pause? I really gotta go pee."
"It's almost over. Can't you wait?"
"I gotta go."
"Hurry."
"Kate, while you're up, can you get me some more ginger ale?"
"No more drinks!"

10:29 - Exciting climax

"I told you they switched the bags."

10:40 - Roll credits

"Can we watch the special features?"
"No!"

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