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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 12.28.04
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Hope you had a good Christmas

You won't get around to read this until after Boxing Day. After all, who has time to read excruciatingly funny, jet-setting playboy columnists when there are cookies and cats to decorate?

This gives me an opportunity to demonstrate my amazing psychic abilities. So sit back and prepare to be awestruck as I predict what went on in your household over the past few days. Call me (aka The Ghost of Awkward Verb Tenses).

  • You will have wished that, had you known that gift was an ant farm, you hadn't shaken it so hard.
  • You will have realized that playing the Fear Factor Home Edition is not wise after a big turkey dinner.
  • You will have wished Merry Christmas to a dépanneur clerk of obvious non-Christian heritage. You will have made matters worse by apologizing and then apologizing for apologizing.
  • You will have been proven right about your Uncle Georgio's dentures.
  • You will have lost the desire to play/hum/hear Christmas carols at exactly 11:59 p.m. December 25.
  • You will have stared at the piles of ripped wrapping paper and packaging, then at the recycling bin, then back at the paper, then back a the bin and stuffed the mess into a garbage bag.
  • You will have faked gratitude for a bottle of perfume that smells like strawberry oven cleaner.
  • You will have wished you had given that Cranberry Pecan Gummy-Worm Stuffing a dry run before serving it to fifteen guests.
  • You will have grumbled quietly that a video game called "Vice City Viscera" is not an appropriate gift for your mother-in-law to give your 11-year-old.
  • You will have forgotten a key ingredient for your Christmas dinner and will have visited five dépanneurs on Christmas day. You will have met all your neighbours there.
  • You will have considered going to Mass Christmas Eve but rationalized that you celebrate Christmas in your heart. You will have stayed home and watched Ernest Saves Christmas on TV.
  • You will have gone into the second layer of Pot of Gold chocolate before the first layer is empty.
  • You will have assembled something on Christmas Eve, wanting to curse but not cursing only because it was Christmas Eve.
  • You will have discovered where the cat buried that missing tree ornament and wished you hadn't.
  • You will have spread all your children's presents out on the bed On Christmas Eve, counted them, and realized you were uneven. You will have run to the dépanneur just before closing where the only thing you found faintly resembling a present was a Homer Simpson Zippo lighter.
  • You will have wondered how many times you have to go to this bloody dépanneur.
  • You will have realized that picking up the turkey by the legs, shouting into the cavity, "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" was not a good grace.
  • You will have tried to persuade the kids to leave cookies and vodka coolers for Santa.
  • You will have learned that mistletoe is not foolproof.
  • You will have defied the laws of physics, probability, Murphy and the time-space continuum by getting all the food on the table while it's still hot.
  • You will have watched the Queen's Christmas Day address and thought of your mom.
  • You will have missed relatives far away.
  • You will have seen Christmas through the eyes of a child and looked on in wonder at the beautiful memories you are making for those that are dear to you.
  • You will have been suckered in by cheap sentiment and not care.
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