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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 05.17.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

The Harper-Duceppe e-mails

From: Stephen Harper
Date: Friday, May 6, 2005 1:50 p.m.
To: Gilles Duceppe
Subject: Two pols in a pod

Dear Gilles,

I don't know about you but I'm getting razzed over here about this morning's photo in The Globe & Mail. Another example of the duplicitous media making politicians look bad - not cheese-hat bad but pretty bad nonetheless. I mean, look at the way it seems our heads are leaning together like we're about to share an intimate man-on-man moment. Disgusting (no offence). All we were doing, you'll recall, was conspiring to put the Martin government out of its misery.

At any rate, my gang at this end are all like "Ooo, changed your mind on gay marriage, have you?" and "You and Gilles make a beautiful couple." Manitobans… sheesh!

Anyway, our plot to topple the government is right on schedule. Make sure your ducks are in a row in case we come up with some trumped up confidence vote in the next week or so. Talk to you later.

Stephen

From: Gilles Duceppe
Date: Friday, May 6, 2005 2:20 p.m.
To: Stephen Harper
Subject: Re: Two pols in a pod

Dear Stéphane,

First, we in the Bloc Québécois do not joke. These are very serious times in the party. If all goes as planned, we will use the federalist system to help the federalist Conservative Party form the next government, we will become Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition (btw, could we do something about that "loyal" part; we should make that part of the deal), and then we will use the momentum to help the Parti Québécois, with me as chef, sweep to power, call a snap referendum and then separate from the very Canada that helped set this all in motion. Luckily, we in the Bloc Québécois do not understand irony either.

All good for me, but what about you, Stéphane? Aren't you worried about the backlash? Not that I care… just curious.

Gilles

P.S. What do you mean "ducks"? The Bloc Québécois has no policy on ducks nor any duck-affiliated deputés.

From: Stephen Harper
Date: Friday, May 6, 2005 2:45 p.m.
To: Gilles Duceppe
Subject: Re: Two pols in a pod

I wouldn't say we're worried. More like dancing up and down with joy (which would be much more fun if the party's Western wing didn't frown on dancing so). Yes, many see us as so self-focused that we have paralyzed the government (not that you care). Yes, many Canadians will be irked that we're heading to the pols a year after the last election. Yes, some will feel that we are using bogus outrage and moral indignation to bring down the government. Yes, we will be seen as aiding and abetting the separatist cause (hey, it's a Conservative tradition!). And, yes, I expect Canadians will be so disillusioned in general that we'll see record-low voter turnout. But hey, as long as we win, right? (And by "we" I mean you-know-who).

Stephen (please note spelling; my keyboard doesn't do that accent thingy anyway)

P.S. re ducks: never mind.

From: Gilles Duceppe
Date: Friday, May 6, 2005 2:55 p.m.
To: Stephen Harper
Subject: Re: Two pols in a pod

Dear Stéphane,

Yes, it will be good to see the Conservatives in power again. Some of my best friends used to be Conservatives. I wonder, though, after all the focus on corruption and unethical behaviour, how you and your party will ever enjoy the spoils of victory the way we the Quebec collectivité will.

G.

From: Stephen Harper
Date: Friday, May 6, 2005 3:02 p.m.
To: Gilles Duceppe
Subject: Re: Two pols in a pod

Dear Gilles,

We'll find a way. We politicians always find a way.

S.

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