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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 09.27.10
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Sorry, people, the Internet is full

GENEVA, Switzerland | If you had planned to blog this morning about the latest antics of your Schnauzer or post a video of Grandma losing her dentures, you're out of luck. The Internet is closed.

The World Trade Organization made the startling announcement yesterday in Geneva.

"The Internet is full," said Lars Fiurndmnstrom, the WTO's commissioner for global communication and controversy-baiting. "There's virtually no space left for any more content. There's not enough room to swing a video of a cat."

While technically not completely full, the Internet is very nearly maxed out. Researchers believe that there are only one billion gigabytes of space left on the Internet. To give you an idea of how big that is, one billion gigabytes is the combined total of all the Team Edward and Team Jacob websites alone.

"All we need is one more Justin Bieber and we're sunk," said Fiurndmnstrom.

Consequently, the Internet will not be allowing any new content for the foreseeable future.

What little space there is left of the Internet will be reserved for e-mails and instant messaging. But even here there's a catch.

"The Internet must be used for real communication only," said Fiurndmnstrm. "The WTO will be working closely with Interpol to monitor e-communication activity, and if we catch people forwarding jokes, warnings about baby carrots washed in bleach, or promises of free iPads if you forward this e-mail to fifteen friends, we have the authority to place them on the InterNOT list and ban them from using the Internet for three years. But don't worry; we have many surplus fax machines people can use."

The beginning of the end for the Internet began in 2005 with the launch of YouTube. This, paired with cheap, accessible recording technology, meant that anyone with a cell phone could upload videos of themselves lip-synching badly to Snoop Dog. Today, there are an estimated 120 million videos on YouTube with 200,000 being added daily.

"Every time someone uploads a video of a fat person's pants falling down, the Internet dies a little. And I would argue that society dies a little too," said Fiurndmnstrom, momentarily losing his professional composure.

The surge in popularity of Facebook exacerbated the Internet's decline.

"Honestly, children, do you need to upload every single photo of yourself? Look at this," said Fiurndmnstrom, pointing to a typical teenager's Facebook page.

"There are 172 photos in this album alone. Look: a self-portrait. Another self-portrait. A blurry self-portrait. This one is exactly the same as this one. Is that a face? I can't tell. In short, ladies and gentlemen, narcissism killed the Internet."

Though the end of new Internet content may seem dire, the WTO is assuring the public that there's already enough content on the website to fill every conceivable need.

"Look, when it's got to the point that you can find information on bellybutton lint in Wikipedia, I think we've covered all the bases, don't you think?" said Fiurndmnstrom.

Asked whether the content ban was permanent, FiurndmnstrŅm said that the ball was in the public's court.

"Start purging your personal content. Ask yourself whether anyone actually cares what you have to say. And corporations need to do some serious soul-searching as well. I mean, does Kraft Dinner really need a website? I don't think so."

Fiurndmnstrom added that if just one-third of so-called "adult" websites pulled their content, then the Internet would have room for at least another decade.

"And stop snickering when I say 'pulled their content,'" an increasingly testy Fiurndmnstrom told reporters.

While analysts suggest that gross domestic product will plummet due to the end of e-commerce, that shortfall will quickly be made up by a surge in workplace productivity.

Condemnation of the WTO's plan to kill off the Internet's ability to deliver new information in a timely manner was swift. Traditional print and television media, however, expressed delight.

Ross Murray's collection ‘You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?’ is available in area Quebecbookstores and through www.townships.ca. Ross can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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