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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.21.11
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

What my girls need to know about boys in love

Dear girls,

Now that Valentine's Day is over, I can tell you the truth: young love is a minefield. No, in a minefield you have a general idea what's going to happen -- you're either going to make it through or you're going to be blown to smithereens. Best-case scenario, you lose an appendage you were previously fond of.

With love, you might get blown up, yes, but you also might end up walking in circles, forgetting to eat and even your name. You might end up in a city halfway across the country with no job and no home except a sofa belonging to some guy you met on the bus. Or you might end up with a regrettable tattoo. On your face.

Love is unpredictable, girls, so the least I can do is tell you what boys are thinking when they decide they like you. I've broken it down according to your ages.

Boy, age 8-11

There are lots of girls in my class and I like you best. I like three girls but you're the best because you're nice and you don't laugh at me when I stick my tongue out when I do math.

I stick my tongue on out when I do math because math is hard. I hate math. I like gym and lunch. I liked Marie last week but she laughed at me about the tongue and then she told the teacher I was playing with a dead fly, which was a lie, I was just trying to move it off my desk, so that's why I like you best.

I bought you a ring with my own money the Tooth Fairy gave me. I don't believe in the Tooth Fairy but I like money. I'm going to make a lot of money someday. I'm going to buy a farm with horses and tractors with giant wheels and lots of cool cars and you can come visit and ride the horses but you can't drive the giant tractors because you're a girl and girls don't drive tractors. You can drive a cool car if you want.

I hope you like the ring. It cost me two dollars. It's blue because I know you like blue because your binder is blue in Math when I look over to copy your answers and you let me do it which is another reason I like you.

If you like the ring we can hang out on the playground, and at skating we can skate together and hold hands with mittens on and later we can hold hands without mittens. I have to skate with a helmet which looks stupid too but everyone has to wear one so we all look stupid. You don't look stupid. You're pretty but I'm not going to tell you that until later.

I'm confused about the kissing.

Teenage boy, 13-18

Sex.

I wonder if you like me.

Sex.

I hate the way I sound. Boy, you're pretty. You could never like me.

Boobs.

I think you like me. Do you? Can you tell me? Because I really can't tell.

If I doused myself in Stynx body spray, would you like me more?

How's my hair?

Boobs and sex.

I've gotta get Dad to lend me the car but he's being such a jerk about it. Like, he doesn't run my life, you know what I mean? I really think you're someone I can talk to -- like, really open up to.

I don't know what to say to you.

I'm so happy!

I'm writing you a poem that I'll never show you. What rhymes with "acne"?

I'm so miserable.

I'll never have sex.

You're so beautiful and sweet and smart and pretty. I swear I will always treat you with respect.

I just brushed your boob with my elbow! Sweet!

What's to eat?

Boy, 20+

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeex... [Not so much a thought as a constant hum clouding all other thoughts. Sadly, this is a chronic condition.]

What girls are thinking when they decide they like you

Sorry, son, you're on your own.

Ross Murray's collection, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available in Quebec in area book stores and through www.townships.ca. He can be reached at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.

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