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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.15.09
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Musical questions answered: love edition

What is love?

Science has been trying to unravel this mystery for years. If only Science weren't such a slacker it might have figured it out by now. Stop watching those "Battlestar Galactica" videos, Science, and get back to work.

As it is, we're pretty certain we understand the major components of love: 60 percent saline, 20 percent hydrogen peroxide, 6.5 percent Sweet Tarts, 4 percent unhealthy compulsion, 2 percent delirium, 1.5 percent easy-listening radio and .5 percent Aunt Jemima Syrup.

What constitutes the remaining 5.5 percent of love is still unknown, though there is some evidence to suggest that the solution may be found in the cellular structure of Anne Hathaway's eyebrows.

To recap: What is love? "Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more."

Why do fools fall in love?

Because they're fools, obviously! They don't know any better. One moment they're entertaining their royal sovereign with pratfalls and sheep-bladder gags and the next they're smitten by one of the king's courtesans. Or possibly a potted plant. You never know with fools.

The sad thing is that when fools do fall in love, it usually ends badly, mainly because fools tend to express their romantic feelings through explosives.

Over the years, various legislations have been introduced to discourage fools from falling in love. Britain's Moron Matrimony Act of 1873, for example, imposed a five-year waiting period on fools seeking marriage licenses, the idea being that in the interim the fools would become distracted by other matters, such as mumbling to themselves, walking around in oversized shoes, and entering politics.

What's love got to do with it?

Love's got something to do with it but not everything. Love, for example, is an essential part of this healthy breakfast but not nearly as essential as not burning the toast. I don't care how much love you have for breakfast, burning the toast is just going to put you in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

Love's also got to do with making the world go round, conquering all, finding a way and being the answer. But love has nothing to do with the Republican Party.

Who do you love?

This question is a great icebreaker at parties. "Mr. Johnson, pleased to meet you. Who do you love?" Most often, after a bit of stammering and some panicked glances for the nearest exit, the person will mention a spouse, a child, or a favourite pet.

But occasionally you'll hit the jackpot. For example, I once asked a university professor on sabbatical who did she love and she told me about her tragic love affair with the Dalai Lama that involved diamond smuggling, an escape over the Swiss Alps by dirigible, and a secret code encrypted in a KFC drive-thru.

Where is the love?

The love is kept in isolation by US authorities in a classified secure facility. Very few people have actually seen the love but those who have report that it is quite comfortable, well provided for, and generally content. Nonetheless, the love is under constant surveillance to ensure that it doesn't cause any harm to others or to itself.

After years of lobbying, emotional rights activists are now confident that President Obama may release the love.

Do you believe in life after love?

What kind of silly question is that? What does it even mean?

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, baby. I'm a free-wheeler, a rebel, I've got to run with the pack. Don't even think about trying to tie me down. You don't want me, baby, trust me. You'll only get hurt, like all the others.

But if there's a free meal involved, then chances are, yes, I will still love you tomorrow.

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