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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.14.08
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Did someone say, "I love you"?

STANSTEAD, QC | Did someone say, "I love you"?

Last weekend, I saw a clothing store display that read, "Say 'I Love You' A Thousand Ways..." Let's see: socks, underwear, shirts, sweaters... There's no way that can make it to a thousand, unless you start breaking it down by fabric and colour.

Unless, of course, they weren't speaking in commercial terms but generally a thousand ways to say "I love you." Still a stretch, but I think I can come up with fifty:

1. I love you (duh!).

2. I am loving you.

3. Loving you: that is the thing I am doing.

4. I adore you.

5. I double-adore you.

6. I double-adore you with sugar on top.

7. I double-adore you with a winning lottery ticket on top.

8. In International Radio Alphabet: India Lima Oscar Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform.

9. As recited by Walter Cronkite: "I love you... and that's the way it is."

10. Translated by an Internet program from English to Dutch to French to Portuguese and back into English: "Taste of vocs."

11. Let's sing it: "I lo-o-o-ve yo-o-o-ou, shoobie-doo."

12. Now I'm mouthing it silently.

13. I would clean the peanut butter jar for you.

14. I would nibble your toes. Yes, even that one.

15. I would remove the irritating threads they use to sew labels to your pants for you.

16. You are the sesame seed to my bagel. Or possibly the poppy seed. Whichever your preference.

17. Without you, my portable massage table is meaningless.

18. If you were a website, you would be at the top of my Favorites list.

19. If you smealt it, I would say I dealt it.

20. I would hug the "Free Hugs" guy for you. Or punch him in the face. Whichever your preference.

21. I'm yelling "I love you!" outside your bedroom window right now. Please don't call the cops.

22. You're the fibre in my diet.

23. You're the "u" in my "colour."

24. If there was a category for Love, I'd hold the Guinness world record.

25. If you were Brittany Spears, I'd leave you alone.

26. If I was Humphrey Bogart and you were Ingrid Bergman, I wouldn't let you get on that plane.

27. I am the little silver thimble and you are Boardwalk.

28. Am I watching "Grey's Anatomy" with you? Yes, I am.

29. There's a banana in my pocket AND I'm glad to see you, because I love you.

30. I mullabalifillo you. I invented that word just for you to show you how much I love you.

31. "You complete me."

32. "You had me at hello."

33. Remember those lines from Jerry Maguire? I love you so much I'd even watch that movie again.

34. In accordance with Occam's Razor Principle, which states that one should choose the simplest explanation, the one requiring the fewest assumptions and principles, I love you.

35. Knock, knock. Who's there? Ila. Ila who? Ila view.

36. My heart is on fire for you. Ouch! Ouch! Ou-u-u-uch!

37. I got an A+ in Love. Plus this sticker of a pony!

38. When you say, "It's lunchtime," I only hear "It's lovetime!"

39. I'm holding a rock festival in your honour called Love-A-Palooza.

40. I may be indecisive but I know I love you. Maybe. Yes, yes, I'm positive!

41. Can you see me poking myself repeatedly in the eye? I'm doing it to prove how much I love you.

42. If you play the vinyl LP of my life backwards, you hear the hidden message, "I... lo-o-ve... you... and... I... buried... Paul..."

43. Operators are standing by to offer you a lifetime subscription to "I Love You." Plus, if you call now, you'll get this handy tote bag.

44. At university I majored in I Love You with a minor in Borderline Obsessive.

45. Did I just say, "I love you"? What I meant to say was, "I LOVE YOU!"

46. To remove an ink stain from fabric, sponge the stain repeatedly with acetone or amyl acetate, or spray it with hair spray. Nothing, however, can remove you from my heart.

47. My love is an enemy combatant and you are Guantanamo Bay.

48. "You're soaking in it." "Dishwashing liquid?" "No, I love you."

49. And the Oscar for Best Performance by Someone Saying "I Love You" goes to... Oh my gosh, I don't believe it! To me!

50. Who's your daddy?

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