ROSS MURRAY

What would make me happy

It wouldn't take much, actually.

1. Scientists discover that people whose homes are filled with animal hair live five percent longer.

2. Even better: Scientists engineer Velcro animals that pick up their own hair.

3. I wake up one morning to read the following headline: "Government passes legislation; all special interest groups satisfied: 'That's plenty, thanks. No, really, we're embarrassed," says president of the Coalition of Coalitions.'"

4. Here's another headline I'd like to read: "Pope prays for peas." That would make me happy.

5. Boring becomes the new chic trend, whereby people are be dazzled by, for instance, cocktail party banter regarding the pros and cons of various ginger ale brands, gum care, the many, many, many fascinating dreams one has, favourite secondary characters in long-cancelled television shows, practical applications for the spatula, words beginning with Y, especially long lists, etc. and etc. and etc.

6. Scientists discover that people who played in their high school band live four percent longer than all-star high school hockey players. Plus, their spouses are three percent hotter.

7. My children finally, at long last, after repeated pleas, demands, polite and not-so-polite requests, stop bouncing the basketball in the house.

8. "Pope prays for pizza."

9. Milk once again delivered to the door in glass bottles with the cardboard stoppers.

10. I'm flipping through a parent magazine, you know, the kind you find in pediatrician's offices. Yeah, actually, I'm in a pediatrician's office with one of my kids waiting to have one of those vague, mysterious maladies diagnosed, not something straightforward like a broken limb or a rash but something that's -- what? -- just not quite right.

It's been a long wait, and so I turn to the magazine, which outlines in detail pretty much everything I'm doing wrong as a parent. I'm feeling bad about my kid, about myself, about the wait. And then, at the back of the magazine, I come across a display ad for "Tennessee Bob's Baby-Back Cribs." That would make the wait totally worth it.

11. The demise of the Disney Channel.

12. My children finally, at long last, after repeated pleas, demands, polite and not-so-polite requests, stop singing that song over and over. You know the one, the worst possible one, the one on the radio right now. Sorry if I just put it in your head. But surely you feel my pain.

13. Scientists discover that the cure for cancer lies in WD-40, duct tape, and long afternoon naps.

14. "Pope prays for fleece."

15. A revival in independent book and record stores.

16. Something in modern-day word-processing to replace the pure satisfaction of hearing the "ding" on a manual typewriter followed by the act of slapping back the carriage.

17. A lost manuscript by Kurt Vonnegut. Wry, biting Kurt Vonnegut, not beaten, bitter Kurt Vonnegut.

18. Something called the Klein Scale, with Calvin Klein at one end and Ralph Klein at the other. But what would it measure? And would it matter?

19. Someone sets up a business to help people choose their religion called "Godsultation." Actually, no, this would make me sad.

20. If someone would teach me how to properly fold fitted sheets. Better yet, if someone would just fold the fitted sheets for me.

21. A cookie.

A collection of Ross's columns, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is now available in Eastern Townships book stores in Quebec and at www.townships.ca