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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 03.24.08
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

More sex please. We're Quebeckers, non?

STANSTEAD, QC | Dear wannabe premier Mario Dumont,

I read this week about your plan to boost Quebec's population by encouraging Quebecers to have more babies, getting ex-Quebecers to return to the province, and immigrants... well, immigrants not so much.

With all due respect, I wonder if you've fully thought this plan through.

Let's start with the babies.

First of all, you do know where babies come from, right? If your plan's going to work, Quebecers will have to have a lot more s-e-x. As leader of the province's squarest party, are you okay with this? Is there room for whoopee in the ADQ? Because I don't get a sense of much "action" in Action Démocratique.

Seriously, this policy just doesn't say "Mario" to me. "Mitsou" maybe, but not "Mario."

Beyond this seeming contradiction, however, you should ask yourself this: what kind of message are we sending the children? Your "wham-bam-merci-madame" policy will inadvertently target the most vulnerable and impressionable in our society, namely the randy.

It is little more than a license to procreate, which I predict will lead to a wave of teen pregnancies. Duplessis had his orphans. Will you engender les petits Dumonts? Mario-nettes? AD-Cutiepies?

Besides the social impact, your policy will also have a negative effect on Quebec's pharmaceutical industry, what with all those women going off the pill. Not to mention Quebec's burgeoning condom industry, which will likely go soft if this policy comes to fruition.

With all this sex going on, smoking will skyrocket, and I doubt that "Was it good for you?" can be good for you. Won't this contradict the ADQ's policy on public health?

And what about noise pollution? Think about it.

But you know what? I'm not convinced this scheme will work anyway. Quebec just isn't feeling sexy anymore. As a society, we have a headache, especially since you've got us so worried about taxes and immigrants and head scarves and jobs and immigrants with head scarves taking our jobs and raising our taxes.

Sex doesn't occur in a vacuum. (Just ask an astronaut.) Unless you're one of those randy teenagers I mentioned, it's not easy to simply turn it on just like that. We need a little incentive for the id, some erotic encouragement, perhaps some federally funded foreplay. To make your policy work, can you, Mario Dumont, bring sexy back? What do you have in mind to turn Quebecers on? Besides a flat tax, I mean.

Now, let's move on to those ex-pats coming back to Quebec. Who's going to come back now who hasn't come back in the past? I'll tell you who: people looking to have lots of sex! And those aren't the type of people you want. Or are they? With this new sex obsession of yours, Monsieur Dumont, I don't know even know who you are anymore.

And finally, immigration. You're suggesting we freeze immigration at current rates. But in this steamy new Quebec climate, these immigrants will be producing babies too. Probably lots and lots of babies since it's well known that Canada lags behind the rest of the world in productivity. And, bammo! immigrants aplenty. Little tiny immigrant babies all over the place. Immigrant babies living in neglect because their parents are off making even more babies!

And speaking of babies, do you know what babies demand? Accommodation. Very, very unreasonable accommodation. Strollers taking up room on sidewalks, babies emitting screams and smells, upstaging politicians, demanding food and comfort, crying, crying, crying! They don't even speak our language, or any language for that matter! Plus, there will be breastfeeding. In public! Breasts in public! Breasts, Monsieur Dumont! Breasts!

I'm sorry. I seemed to have whipped myself into a frenzy (which is way more effective than a flat tax, by the way). But don't blame me. You're the one who keeps talking about sex.

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