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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 01.05.07
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Happy New (and improved!) Year

From the creators of 2006, New Coke, and the remake of that movie that wasn't much good in the first place comes the most spectacular year yet: the new and improved 2007!

Our international team of scientists and publicists has crafted a year unlike any other. Packed with special features and shiny doodads, 2007 has been retooled, remolded, and reconditioned to provide you with a pleasure-oriented, guilt-free year.

You may have already noticed the stunning changes in the intelligent redesign of 2007. Was your New Year's Day hangover far less intense than by all rights it should have been, considering the Fuzzy Navel and Kahlua combo?

That's because in 2007, the things that used to be really bad for you are now just somewhat ill advised. So, for example, instead of binge drinking filling you with shame and regret, you'll be filled with nothing but good memories and colourful anecdotes. Oh those squad cars, -- how we laughed!

But that's not all.

This limited edition year has been streamlined to 360 days in length - perfectly divisible into twelve 30-day months. No more hassles trying to remember "30 days hath September and the fridge-life of an English cucumber…"

But hey! you say. Where did those five days go?

Don't worry; those days were when terrible natural disasters would otherwise have occurred somewhere in North America, which, of course, are the only natural disasters that matter.

Our extensive surveys have shown that March is the least popular month. We've consequently eliminated it altogether in our new and improved 2007 and replaced it with a brand new month between August and September: Funtember! Extend those summer good times - now with 15 percent more sunny Saturdays than a regular month! (Optional feature: National Supermodel Day.)

The new and improved 2007 is chock full of rationalizations for your everyday use. For example, this mild winter is resulting in less oil consumption and more people walking instead of driving. Thus, global warming is actually good for the environment!

Eating lots of fat is just fine as long as it's not trans fats!

And Canadian troops aren't involved in an unwieldy military conflict in Afghanistan; they're peace-building!

We've added more holidays in 2007 - real holidays that include getting the day off and exchanging gifts.

What else can you expect from the new and improved 2007? How about a GMO - a genetically modified October. Leaves will be redder, the air crisper, pumpkins plumper and none of those awful Kisses among the Halloween treats.

Is there an election planned in your area in 2007? Don't fret. In the new and improved 2007, there will be no election issues based on tricky, complex matters like the economy and foreign policy. All elections will be decided solely on voter-friendly issues such as who "connects" best with the public and who does/does not have a "regrettable" past.

Formerly complicated social problems will be resolved and with someone else's money and in someone else's neighbourhood.

The big household trend for 2007: clutter.

In 2007 you can never use too many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!

2007 is yours to try free of charge for thirty days. Should you wish to continue subscribing to the new and improved 2007, a technician will come by your home to permanently reconfigure the space-time continuum in your field of existence (taxes, service fees and sundering of the universe apply).

Experience all that the new and improved 2007 has to offer. You'll hate yourself if you don't. Really, you will. So call now, operators are standing by.

* Not available in some areas. Some restrictions apply. Results may vary. May cause sneezing, itching, leakage and apathy. Do not take literally or on an empty stomach.

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