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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.20.05
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I am not a cook

Time: 5:45 p.m.
Place: Household kitchen
Occasion: Household press briefing on supper progress

First of all, thank you for showing up at this late hour. I know you have a lot of questions so let's get straight to them.

"What's for supper?"

That's a good question, Emily, and thank you for asking it. I'd just like to say that this is a very complex and sensitive situation. I can assure you that the Household is looking at this question with the utmost attention in order to come up with a solution in a timely manner.

"Can you tell us what we are going to eat and when we are going to eat?"

Kate, there are things we eat and there are things we don't eat. Then there are things we know we don't eat and things we don't know we don't eat. The challenge of this Household is to find out the things we don't know we don't eat and make sure we know whether we should or shouldn't be eating them.

"Why is this Household stalling in response to the demand for supper?"

First of all, James, I take exception to the word "stalling." As has been the case with all suppers in the Household, there is careful planning involved. Even when it seems the Household is just throwing frozen pizzas in the oven, there is complex decision-making involved - budgets, human resource deployment, R&D on nutritional analysis, pepperoni or all-dressed. As I said, the Household is working to deliver supper in as timely a manner as possible.

"Can you confirm that there will be supper tonight?"

I can tell you that negotiations are going well. However, the Household has received an eleventh-hour request to have Jeffrey from next door join us for supper, which has added to the complexity of the situation.

"Can he have supper with us?"

"Didn't you tell us 'no guests'?"

"Is there enough food for him?"

Please! One at a time! The Household has the situation under control. We have been in contact with Jeffrey's parents to attain authorization for the supper stay and can assure you that this will not negatively influence the timely delivery of the meal. The only possibility is that it may impact portion sizes. However, no one will go hungry. In fact, if there are leftovers, we are proposing that Jeffrey take some home with him in keeping with the Household's "No Chile Left Behind" policy.

"Sir, is there any truth to the rumour that the Household will be hiding zucchini in the meal as was the case with the September 24, 2006 lasagna?"

Let me make this clear: the Household does not condone torture. We have imposed a moratorium on peas, tofu, zucchini and other so-called "icky foods" and we will not employ these weapons of meal deception. We are slowly repurposing our stockpiles of frozen shredded zucchini but we will not use these on our own people.

"Do we have to eat at the table?"

I can tell you this: We are willing to come to the table. However, if the other parties are unwilling to come to the table and would prefer to eat in front of a rerun of "Friends," then there is little point in forcing the issue. I will also state for the record that the Household will hold talks only at the table and not in front of the media. Unless it's a really good movie.

"Can we have ice cream for supper?"

I think the Household has been very clear on this point. And I have to say I wish the media would stop harping on this point and trying to make an issue where there is no issue to be made. The answer is and has always been "no."

"Can we have a bowl of cereal then?"

Fine. No more questions.

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