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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 02.23.07
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

The Oscar for Best Use of Cute Ponies goes to…

I'm feeling somewhat reticular (don't ask) this week so I'm going to turn things over to Abby, five-and-a-half, to offer her predictions on who will bring home the Oscars at this Sunday's Academy Awards.

Take it away, Abby.

Best Actress

Penelope Cruz, Volver: I like her. She's pretty.

Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal: Why she talks funny? Her voice is weird in my ears. My friend Céline talks English sometimes and she sounds funny too. I speak French now; listen: Bonjour. La chat. Merci. Cafeteria ou boite à lunch?

Helen Mirren, The Queen: That's not what a queen looks like. She should have a long, beautiful gown. A pink one. And a big crown with sparkly jewels. Is she an evil queen? Is that why she's so grumpy?

Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada: Ooo, she's mean. She made that girl do all kinds of stuff. The girl was in that movie about the princess. She should just tell the mean lady to go away. I don't like her.

Kate Winslet, Little Children: This isn't about children at all! Kissing and stuff and bad words. Mom turned it off.

And the Oscar goes to… Penelope Cruz. She's pretty.

Best Actor

Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond: I don't like blood. Once at school I got hit by the swing and there was blood. It was a accident. My friend pushed the swing hard at me but he didn't mean to do it. He said sorry. I cried. The teacher put ice on me. I cried more. Daddy took me home. I watched a movie. Not this one. A different one. I don't remember.

Ryan Gosling, Half Nelson: He looks like my dad in the summer when he grows hair on his face. It's picky when he kisses me. We go camping in the summer sometimes. That's when Daddy has a lot of hair on his face. We cook marshmallows. They're sticky. I'm going to grow hair on my face some day.

Peter O'Toole, Venus: Sometimes my Grampa comes to visit and he plays with me. He lives far away. Sometimes I play school and I'm the teacher and Grampa is the student. Not my real Grampa. Just pretend. When my real Grampa comes to visit, we play other games. "Venus" sounds like you-know-what.

Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness: I know him! He's in Men in Black. I like that movie. He gets all covered in slime. He's funny. Why he's not funny in this movie?

Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland: What's wrong with his eye?

And the Oscar goes to…Peter O'Toole. He looks nice.

Best Picture

Babel: Babel babel babel babel bleeblee blabla bbbbbrrrrppha booboo! Hee-hee!

The Departed: I don't understand. Who's he? Is he a good guy or a bad guy? Where's he going? Why did he do that? Is he dead? It's just pretend, right? This isn't a very nice movie. I don't like it.

Letters from Iwo Jima: His arm came off. This is yucky. I don't understand what they're saying. I don't like this one either.

Little Miss Sunshine: The grampa was nice but he said bad words. My friend Jimmy says bad words sometimes. I tell the teacher and he gets in trouble. You shouldn't use bad words. I share my toys at school. It's good to share. I like the little girl in this movie. She's cute. Her real name is Abigail, too! She danced at the end. I like to dance too. Watch what I can do. Watch! Wait, I'll do it good this time. See? Did you see me?

The Queen: The beautiful princess died!

And the Oscar goes to… Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses. I don't care, I like it. I watched it six times!

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