ROSS MURRAY

Papas on parade

"Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to the 52nd Annual Father's Day Parade. I'm Dick Harmon with my co-host Fanny Aspwich, coming to you live from beautiful downtown Berwick. The sun is shining, and we're all set for another prodigious procession of patriarchs pounding the pavement."

"That's right, Dick. It's always fantastic to see these fathers filing forth, if only fleetingly."

"Fine, Fanny. I can see the first floats travelling down Blunderbuss Boulevard. It looks like, yes, the GPS Crew is boldly leading the way."

"Dick, this is a relatively new entry. In the past, the parade has traditionally been led by the Dead-Ahead Dads, who were always confident that they knew where they were going, even when they clearly had veered off the parade route. But would they stop to ask directions? No!"

"Luckily, the accommodating crowds here in Berwick would just move the two, three, maybe seven streets over to watch along the altered route."

"True enough, Dick. But that's no longer a problem, thanks to the GPS Crew. However, these dads are so fixated on monitoring their gadgets that there have already been a number of accidents."

"Yes, last year's pizza vendor collision is still pretty fresh in everyone's mind, and you'll notice today that the GPS Crew members have pepperonis pinned to their lapels out of respect."

"Rest in peace, Luigi. What's next? Oh, now here's a treat: the Totally Awkward Embarrassing Band."

"These dads always get quite a response from the crowd, Dick. Today they're dressed in yellow shorts pulled up too high with polo shirts tucked in tight, black dress socks, and brand new white sneakers. This band has perfected the art of synchronized air guitar. This year, they've chosen to 'rock out' to Boston's 'More Than A Feeling' and we're just in time for the air drum solo."

"Those certainly are some awkward and embarrassing dance moves down there, Fanny. I especially like the fist pumps."

"Yes, these boys really know how to make the crowd feel uneasy. There they go, shaking their booties."

"Shake it, daddies, shake it."

"Easy, Dick."

"Sorry. Now I see on my list here that the next float is supposed to be the Salute to Confrontation Avoidance but I don't see them? Can you see them, Fanny?

"No, Dick, I don't see them, but they've got to be around here someplace."

"This happens every year. Let's move on. A real treat and quite a coup for the organizers of this year's Father's Day Parade, here comes the grand marshal, none other than President of the United States Barack Obama!"

"A fitting choice to represent fathers around the world: he's got a lot of people telling him what to do, he's criticized when he's too tough and criticized when he's too soft, he's under tremendous pressure to resolve unsolvable situations, he means well, and he clearly didn't know what he was getting into when he took on the job."

"I guess that's a metaphor."

"What's a metaphor, Dick?"

"Nothing. What's-a matta fo you?"

"I'm confused, Dick."

"Never mind. Now we have the Over-Competitive Cavalcade. This year, I see the dads have chosen to play basketball with their sons. There are some serious games of 21 going on there."

"True enough, Dick. These fathers are really torn between their desire to reinforce their sons' self-esteem and their desire to beat the pants off them."

"Uh-oh, Fanny, it seems that the competition is pretty tough this year. The sons are actually cleaning the dads' clocks. The dads are starting to get a little aggressive and -- oh no! A child is down! We have a hurt child. Oh dear. And now the dads are angry at themselves. I can see from here that they're getting defensive and sulky. This is bad news."

"To make things worse, Dick, the float behind them is carrying the Peevish Pops, and I can see that they too are feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. Yes, yes, they're going off in a huff. I'm afraid that's it for this year's parade."

"That's right, Fanny. The parade has ground to a halt, the floats are moving off the street, and the crowd is sullenly drifting away. It's all over. And with that, this is Dick Harmon and Fanny Aspwich wishing you a Happy Father's Day."

"Happy Father's Day!"

"Oh look, Fanny. There's the Salute to Confrontation Avoidance."

"Typical."

A collection of Ross's columns, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is now available in Eastern Townships book stores in Quebec and at www.townships.ca