ROSS MURRAY

I'm still trying to get my passport, eh?

From: Passport Canada
Gatineau, Quebec.

Dear Mr. Murray:

I would like to thank you for your Canadian passport application - I believe this is attempt number three - along with the accompanying letter outlining your concerns about the application process.

Rather than merely (unfortunately) reject your application without comment once again, I would like to address your concerns and offer some advice so that a future application attempt may be successful.

1. Your given name(s): This should be the name as it appears on your birth certificate or another official document declaring that your name has been legally changed. It doesn't matter that the name people "have given" you is "Bonehead." This, as far as I know, is not your legal name.

2. Place of birth: We need the location of the city or town of your birth, not "the lingerie department at K-Mart." If you do not want your place of birth to appear in the passport, you must submit a written request. (Incidentally, your anecdote relating the circumstances of your birth was both moving and comic; I especially enjoyed the bit calling for "Cleanup in Aisle 3.")

3. Eye colour: Please pick one colour or as close to one as possible, using clear words that are not subject to interpretation. I would avoid descriptions like "the kind of piercing blue that makes women weak in the knees" or (I believe this was in your second try) "that blue you get when you mix Aqua Velva with Ice Mint Listerine." Just plain "blue" will suffice.

4. Date: It's not a question. Do not respond "No thanks, I'm married." The date on the calendar will do.

5. Your guarantor: You will be pleased to know that the Department of Foreign Affairs is changing the rules so that most anyone holding a Canadian passport can vouch for you on your application if they have known you for at least two years. That means your bartender will now be eligible to sign for you if he has a passport. Sadly, these rules were not yet in effect at the time of your most recent application and so is further cause for rejection.

Also, while I tend to agree with you in principal that "no one can really know someone, I mean them," we do not generally deal in philosophy at Passport Canada. We just want your information.

6. Your passport photo: You must not electronically manipulate your photo. It doesn't matter that this is what you plan to look like when you travel next summer; you cannot draw on a goatee. Please see the attached sheet for further photo guidelines.

7. Black or blue ink, Mr. Murray. Black or blue.

8. Your signature: This seems to be a real sore spot for you, having dedicated three pages on the subject. However, rules are rules: you have to sign your name in the space provided without touching the white border. I take exception to your accusation that this is "a fascist attempt to stifle creativity on the part of the federal booberment." We require this only so the signature can be reproduced on your passport in a standardized manner.

I'm sorry that you ruin five or six forms every time trying to squeeze your name in the box but virtually every other applicant manages to do so. I'm sure you can too, Mr. Murray. Hang in there!

Finally, I'd like to address your comments on the very need to provide a passport when we cross the world's "friendliest" border (your quotation marks, not mine). I'm sure many would agree with you that it is "a sad state of affairs when psychological barriers are imposed between communities that have co-existed for nearly 200 years." There may also be some truth in your assertion that "we are feeding the trend towards isolation and paranoia."

However, I suggest you tone down the rhetoric when you call border guards "power-tripping line jockeys." This is a surefire way to ensure that you won't need a passport to enter the United States - you won't be allowed in at all. After all, they may be watching…

Good luck on your next application. Fourth time's a charm!

Sincerely,

Henri Laflamme
Passport Canada Processing Manager