Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at
Posted 07.30.04
Stanstead, Quebec


You, sir, are a divot!

STANSTEAD, QC | WHEREAS Sufferin' Heights Golf Club is a registered, privately owned, non-profit corporation, hereinafter referred to as "the Club" with the exception of Ladies' Night when it shall be referred to as "Delores";

WHEREAS the accused, Ross Murray, sometimes plays golf at the Club, whereby "golf" is defined solely on the act of hitting a dimpled white ball into 9 or 18 holes without consideration for the number of strokes it takes to do so, even if it takes a really, really, really tremendous amount of strokes. Like, really tremendous;

WHEREAS the accused did on July 18, 2004, play 9 holes of golf with his brother-in-law and two strangers who never saw it coming;

WHEREAS the two strangers thought the accused was merely a typically modest golfer when he told them, "I'm warning you, I'm quite awful," to which one replied, "Oh, I've been off my game lately too," which resulted in the accused reiterating, "No, you don't understand. I'm atrocious";

WHEREAS the Club deems this confession not sufficiently dire to convey the real extent of awfulness in store for the accused's fellow players;

WHEREAS the accused's first drive landed on a fairway but not THE fairway, to wit, it flew directly sideways, landing on the far side of the fairway of the second hole;

WHEREAS this would ultimately prove to be the accused's best drive of the day;

WHEREAS most golfers are understanding, patient, and forgiving and that the accused's fellow golfers were outwardly thus composed, though inwardly they were saying to themselves, "Oh. My. God!";

WHEREAS the accused continued to play without getting any balls in the air, with drives not getting past the ladies' tee, with one ball actually landing behind him, with one ball (borrowed from one of his fellow golfers after he drove his first two into the trees) landing in the water, and other balls posing serious potential harm to other golfers within a 60-foot radius;

WHEREAS the accused's muttering and swearing to himself was a distraction and that his sullen demeanor was in general a bummer;

WHEREAS by the fifth hole, his fellow golfers had suffered sufficient delay, duress, mental anguish, and despair that they began tossing the accused's ball back to him as soon as it landed anywhere on the green, saying, "That's a gimme";

WHEREAS the accused caused such damage to the course through divots that the municipality has fined the Club for excavating without a permit;

WHEREAS the accused began playing golf sporadically ten years ago with a set of second-hand golf clubs given him by another brother-in-law, clubs that, at the time, the accused said he would replace as soon as he improved a bit;

WHEREAS the accused continues to play with the same clubs;

WHEREAS the accused's brothers-in-law as a group should know better;

WHEREAS the accused regularly ends up with burst blisters on his fingers after a round of golf;

WHEREAS there should be no bloodshed in golf;

WHEREAS the accused later admitted under questioning that the only golf lesson he has ever received is "Close your eyes and think of England";

WHEREAS having snazzy golf shoes does not mitigate other abysmal elements of play;

WHEREAS the events of July 18, 2004, were not an isolated incident but part of a pattern of awfulness the accused has inflicted on other golfers and other clubs over the years;

IT IS THEREFORE RESOLVED THAT until the accused fixes his grip, stance, swing, trajectory, putting, chipping, hairstyle, small talk, fashion sense, learns to tell the difference between a "push cart" and a "pull cart," and changes his name to Delores, he is hereby barred from the Sufferin' Heights grounds, clubhouse, parking lot, driving range, driveway, and fund drives, and must not come within fifty feet of active members.

Unless, of course, he buys the next round of beer.