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Ross Murray's Border Report
Ross Murray
Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 04.26.04
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

Are you eligible for the Retroactive Rebate Rebate?

Congratulations for choosing Quebec's Simplified 2003 Income Tax Return.

This guide provides all the information, pie charts, algorithms, and divinations you need to complete as many of your tax calculations as possible before you finally give up in frustration and hire a real accountant do it for you.

Please note that all forms and guides are available in English. We at Revenue Quebec do this to better serve the English community, even though that population constitutes a mere ten percent of Quebecers.

And most of you are retired and have long since stopped making any sort of valuable contribution to provincial finances. Yet here we are spending tax dollars - everyone's tax dollars - to serve this small segment of the population.

You don't hear Quebec's substantial Chinese population whining for forms in Mandarin, do you?

In fact, you'd probably be paying less in taxes right now if it weren't for this very guide. So don't say we never did nothin' for you!

Medical inattention credit
If you had to leave the province to undergo a medical procedure, you may be eligible for a reimbursement of certain expenses incurred. If you underwent a medical procedure within the province of Quebec in the past year, count yourself lucky.

Deduction respecting eligibility of the fiduciary non-status income for capital investments in non-polarized domains
To determine the amount of this deduction, you must calculate investments made in a non-stock-related corporation of a binding fernambular, minus the capital gain carried over from the previous year, if you are claiming a dependent as a resplendent attendant.

If not, you must add 2 percent of your spouse's shares in a labour-sponsored fund, unless your spouse is actually in labour at the time of filing. From this amount, you must subtract the accrued loss on accentuated assets, unless you don't know what "accrued" means, in which case enter 25 cents.

Allowable employment expenses do not include: chewing gum "because it helps me concentrate"; trips to Céline Dion's show in Vegas to "support Quebec culture"; lottery tickets; barbecue propane; golf membership; gin. Neighbor children who walk into your house demanding Popsicles cannot be claimed as dependents.

If you are a card-carrying péquiste, you may be eligible for Quebec's special Sop to the separatists supplement¸ a credit of $500 on your income tax. If, however, you are a Quebec civil servant, add $500 to your income tax due; we're going to balance our budget on your backs one way or another.

Nudity annuity
If you were naked for more than 6 percent of working days in 2003 (excluding holidays, Super Bowl parties, and Céline Dion concerts), you could be eligible for clothing.

Liberal reality check credit
As promised, everyone gets a tax cut totaling $1 billion! Oh wait, we take that back…

Accelerated refund
If you are expecting a refund (ha!) from Revenue Quebec, you may be eligible for an accelerated refund if you have properly filled out every form using a pen stolen from your local Caisse Populaire and written using standardized International Bail Bondsmen penmanship (version 6.77A3) and have affixed all slips to your return using a Number 2 tungsten staple.

We will immediately send you the refund according to your calculations and then advise you six months later that we have reviewed your return and found you actually owe us a substantial amount plus 29 percent interest to be paid within 30 days otherwise a belligerent agent will telephone your house to tell you that you are a bad person and that because you are such a risk you will have to pay next year's income taxes in advance. And no English forms for you!

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