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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at ross_murray@sympatico.ca
Posted 05.06.13
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

My full report

I respectfully submit the following:

  • Average wake-up time: 7:03:17 a.m.
  • Average showers taken: 1.32
  • Toenails clipped: 10; toenails disposed of in accordance with standard practice: 7; toenails irretrievable: 3
  • Teeth brushed: 29 (down 2 percent from previous report)
  • Observation 1: Hazel is the only nut that is also a person's name. Why no one named Pecan or Cashew, which are lovely? Close exception: Philbert, which sounds like "filbert," which is another name for "hazelnut." Coincidence? Further inquiry recommended.
  • Filled and submitted Form R735 "Report on Parenthetical (Asides and Sotto Voce [Bracketed and Others {Including - but Not Limited to - Long Dashes}]) Remarks (1st Quarter)
  • Ate a pepperjack cheese sandwich
  • Read profile of cereal industry: "Soggy growth in flakes" (Breakfast Daily: The Most Important Read of the Day, April 27, page 4)
  • Observation 2: Finally decided to see what this S&M business is all about and engaged in some light bondage. Conclusion: likely more fun if another person involved.
  • Time spent pretending to enjoy people's company: 16 percent
  • Non sequiturs produced: Spandex
  • Average blood pressure: 160 over 90
  • Ability to understand blood pressure: 0 percent (stable)
  • Sat at every stop sign for a full five seconds to compensate for individuals/drivers who do the slow-and-go. Balance restored in this small corner of the universe.
  • Car horns heard: 44 (up 8 percent )
  • Books read: 1) Superman on Vacation: The Beaches of Solitude 2) The Human Conditioner: Blather, Wince, Repeat 3) The White Man's Bourbon 4) The Heavy Hand: A Story of Obvious Symbolism
  • Observation 3: When you make a deal with someone, follow through right away; don't hold up your end of the bargain.
  • Pants worn: 87 percent ; people who referred to them correctly as "knickerbockers": 0.2 percent
  • Filed Regulatory Jurisdictional Fiduciary Receivership Report Series 7C without using the letter S, as instructed; feedback on report was "Outtanding" and "Uperb!"
  • Conversation #37. Teenager: "They thought I was my little sister's mom. That means I would have had her when I was 7!" Me: "Inconceivable!"
  • Consecutive days without seeing an Adam Sandler film: 874
  • Videos watched on Facebook: 17; what happened next believed: 15; what happened next not believed: 2
  • Time spent worrying about how the monogrammed towel industry is holding up: 29 minutes.
  • Calories empty vs non-empty: 24/76
  • About-faces: 7
  • Knees jerked: 15
  • Jaws dropped: 18
  • Minds boggled: 1
  • Observation 4: Went to the gym 3 times. Received work-out instructions via text message from Employee #876. Later told "doing great" and encouraged to "keep it up" via gym's PA system. Did not feel motivated. This is last time I retain the services of an impersonal trainer.
  • Number of times striding through the doors of perception: 0; number of times peeping through the transom of inkling: 251
  • Service workers yelled at just because I could and/or to compensate for my own inadequacies: 0
  • Incidents of becoming indignant over seeds in clementines: 4
  • Rejoinders made vs rejoinders received: 3/7
  • Observation 5: The Boxer Rebellion was not about underwear. I respectfully retract my previous statements in this regard.
  • In the front: business; in the back: party; on the sides: lunch
I hope this clears things up.
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