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Ross Murray's Border Report
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Ross Murray
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is a freelance writer living in Stanstead, Quebec. You can reach him at rossgrantmurray@gmail.com
Posted 9.13.19
Stanstead, Quebec

ROSS MURRAY

So your roommate is feasting on your soul!

"I'm asking you for the last time: refill the toilet paper!"

Welcome, students, to another exciting year in residence! Living in rez is just one of the many amazing aspects of university life, and, working together in a supportive, positive, inclusive atmosphere, we can make it a super-memorable experience for all!

By now you you are hopefully settling into the routine of living with your roommate -- learning about each other's study habits, sleep patterns, forays into the black arts. It's a period of adjustment, and, as is often the case, you may discover that your roommate is slowly devouring your very soul each night as you sleep. We're here to help!

First of all, how can you be sure your roommate is slowly draining the very essence of your being in a series of nightly satanic rituals?

One of the best ways is to simply ask! As in any relationship, communication is key. Pick a time when you are both alone and free of distractions, then drag your anemic, nearly spent body across your dorm room floor and whisper weakly to your roommate, "Are you systematically devouring my life essence while I am helplessly restrained in the bonds of slumber?"

If your roommate answers "Yes," then congratulations! You have achieved a good jumping off point for discussion! If, on the other hand, your roommate dodges the questions, reacts defensively or hisses at you like the writhing whirlwind of a thousand fires, you may need to take another approach.

Before taking action, though, here are some signs that your life spirit is indeed being syphoned off by way of nocturnal rites:

  • Low energy
  • Mysterious bruising/puncture wounds
  • Room smells like brimstone
  • Dreams haunted by the cries of agonized souls tortured for eternity
  • Waking up naked in a farmer's field with no memory of how you got there, covered in mud and blood that's not your own
While these may indicate you are being preyed upon by a demonic soul eater in league with the devil, it's also possible you may simply be a Fine Arts major.

If, however, the evidence points to the ritual consumption of your life force, there are a number of steps you can take:

  • In a gentle, non-threatening tone, tell your roommate that you are aware the soul-eating is taking place and that it is disrupting your quality of living and, well, living.
  • Avoid attacking phrases like "I hate that you are sucking my soul at night!" and "The power of Christ compels you!" Instead, make inquiring statements such as "Can you tell me why you are slowly consuming my soul until I disappear into an oblivion of dust?" or "Do you need to hover a foot above the bed when I'm talking to you?"

    The conversation may take a couple of attempts -- particularly if in mid-discussion your roommate transforms into a winged, sulphurous beast and bursts through the door in an explosion of splintering wood. (Be aware that structural damage and/or scorch marks will be charged to both roommates!)

    Strive for empathy. Just as you need a good night's sleep in order to perform at your academic peak with your soul intact, so too does your roommate need to feast on the souls of the innocent in order to fulfil the ancient prophecies and summon The Dark Lord. It's important to walk a mile in another person's cloven hooves.

    Try to strike up a compromise. Perhaps your roommate can feast on your soul only on weekends or at least not on nights before a big mid-term. Make a schedule and stick to it! What about offering to seek out other worthy victims whose souls can be consumed in your stead? What a great bonding experience!

    Think of this as an opportunity! You've never had your soul sucked out of you little by little until you succumb to madness and become a walking non-entity. University is all about gaining new experiences and meeting different people/demons. You and your roommate probably have a lot more in common than you think -- namely your soul.

    If you are unable to resolve the issue between you and your roommate, your friendly RA is available for you to crawl to in gasping desperation. We're always nearby — but not too near; we don't want you luring us into your witches coven. We're onto you!

    And remember: if worse comes to worst and you do lose your soul, you can always switch your major to Business.

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